What if they find this?

Today I drove from Corvallis to Pullman…I listed to a murder case during the drive. They broke down the evidence and one of the main pieces used was the young girls diary. What if that happened to me? I would literally be screwed. I want a personal record to look back on – but my parents never need to know. I’m not a bad kid – but I’m surely not the kid they think I am all the time. This poor girl sounded like such an idiot too…idealistic…in love…stupid.

I love Portland as much as everyone else does. I bonded with my hairdresser, spent too much money on tax-less items, partied in the rain until I got sick, ate enough delicious food to take away at least a months worth of running and networked my ass off.

I needed out of the office so badly it was palpable. Tonight I gave a horrific presentation to a group of deaf people who expected me knot know how to work video-conference software. In all the fluster I locked my zip-drive in the room before the second presentation. Wooosh – it all ended fine but it is damn lucky that I am good on my feet.

I’m in Danas stomping grounds 🙂 – the past two nights were spent with five cats and a lesbian and I couldn’t be happier in a hotel. I’m going to sleep so naked tonight.

At the conference I felt confirmed that this is the field I need to be in and the people I need to be around – I felt loved and inspired and connected. I was exhausted and impressed with everyones ability to have fun…but more importantly I felt like I could really play with the big guys. I had experiences to share and case studies to compare. I sounded impressive and I spoke to a lot of people much more important than me.

My very valid concern is that we don’t have the marketing budget for much of this – I need to be on the road all the time…but Im not sure this is realistic. This has endlessly confirmed that I have GOT to get out of that office. I have GOT to get away from Max.

We played with Dana’s Megan – laughed at the Portland stereotypes, went to a western shoot-em-up show, cuban music, indian food, street carts, southern food, shopping, chinese gardens, saturday markets, family hikes, donuts….so much good stuff.

The past month has been incredible-spendy and tiring…luckily it doesn’t look like its going to slow down anytime soon!

I’m not quite living my nightmare but it’s close

There are perks or the promise of perks… I signed up for this I have to keep reminding myself. All for the opportunity to live out here and be out here. I am… I’m doing it. But in also need to remind myself there’s nothing keeping me here.

I’m not giving up if I go home.

It’s awesome that they may send me to the Caribbean but this day to day thing is what I can’t handle.

The other office gets 28 days of vacation and I’m locked to this box with a boy I can’t stand. This isn’t me. This isn’t what I’m passionate about even if the cause is good and most of the people are good. It’s the ones directly around me I can’t stand. They aren’t here – they don’t see.

I shouldn’t be miserable half the time in order to be happy half. Life’s too short and I shouldn’t be distrusted because of other people’s past mistakes.

I flip flop so often. Sometimes I’m ok with this and maybe this trip to Portland will relieve some of this. Maybe not – maybe I look for new jobs…

Maybe I get none of the perceived benefits. Maybe it’s not about me – and I know it’s not the worst ever. It can always be worse. But why not atleast be satisfied?

The worst part – I’m not sure there is a remedy. It’s like she is making me put my time in because she had to- but she doesn’t know that I already have. I wouldn’t have put up with the same shit she has. max doesn’t know either way and the bland fuck is just happy to be employed.

I’m looking at the big picture. Does this make me happy? No. Do I believe in what I’m doing? Maybe. Do I like who I work with? No. Do I feel inspired? No. Do I travel? Negotiable. Do I have freedom? No. Am I trusted? No. Do I get to do most things how I want? Yes. Perk sometimes twice a year I go to the zoo.

I need to resign myself to the fact that I applied for an entry level position and I am to be treated like an entry level employee. Although because of my experience, degree and connections I feel entitled to much more. This is true. I’m sure she resents me for feeling entitled and know that I could fuck shit up- but it’s days like today where I’m almost willing to.

Get me out of here – if there’s not a carribean trip planned by December- I will be actively looking for new employment.

Life’s way to short for ten days vacation. Fuck. Unless you would voluntarily do work as your vacation.

Fun – tober

This month isn’t even over and it’s been expensive and exhausting and fulfilling.

I finally feel like I’m starting to maybe have friends here but also finally having people visit has allowed me to show off a place I’m learning to love as one of my own. I have had the full range of emotions of fully learning to hate my co-worker and job to enjoying it- planning trips and going to zoos.

Dana was beautifully independent and the giggles were exactly what my soul needed. Yosemite was a dream- Eric was hilariously hungover. Fashion week – constant eating – cream and dim sum – missed ferries to sausalito, helping homeless and Burmese

Katherine was difficult, unpredictable Katherine. Surprisingly less independent than I anticipated and more demanding – highlighted by an incredible evening of goldfish and new friends. South African men with jumpers around their waists and the fastest uber ride of all time. I’m not sure how much fun she really had because she shows no emotion. Im actually glad she’s not seriously thinking about moving here – she is loyal and responsible but not my responsibility or something I always want to be associated with. Almost got attacked by a homeless dude in china town. Real life.

Loz and Matt!!! Trampled by turtles –
Boxes of bacons in ubers – chicken and waffles – bears- rain in tahoe and sisterly love. Fuck I love that girl like a sister I never had.

I’ve gained weight and experience –

Can I charge my phone?

Tonight was hilarious.

So much laughter afterwards and so much what I needed. Desperately needed. This is the happiest I’ve been since I arrived and it’s all because of the international students. Weird for the win.

First Richard is my absolute favorite without a doubt. He skipped class and left his backpack as a disguise in grad school! Ahaha plays beautiful guitar and makes funny comments about weed and selfies.

Rando was sitting outside the house when I arrived and asked of it was cool to charge his phone and never left. He tried to sell weed to everyone, hit on me onsessently and tried to play my banjo. It was rough but he did cook us all dinner! And for once in my life I appropriately portioned food.

The whole thing was fucking out of control hysterical and out of control.

“How many years you dropping?”

Suck ups

I still wish I was in Africa.

I now understand more then ever how many people feel the same – I understand I can’t really be there right now. I can’t make this work today.
But it’s so weird to love a place so deeply and feel like it’s farther out of reach than ever.

I know why I’ve said and done these things – I’m trying to mentally justify the fact I’ve uprooted my life for a job locked in a cave with a dude I hate when I could make more money on unemployment in a place where I have no friends and no flexibility.

I better atleast goddamn believe in what I’m doing fuck.

Y’all should suck up to me. And dont treat me like a spoiled volunteer – I’m not your past employees and I’m not going to stick around if I’m not respected. I might not stick around anyway. I could absolutely blow their faces off – it’s not like the job is challenging.

I just need to remind myself everyday how much I hate max and how little he is to be trusted.

If I see another person in a relationship

Max?!
Kelly from highschool?!
Justin from downstairs has been married for two years?
Jordan sasser is having a kid?!
The list is endlessssss

Fuuuuccckkkk this isn’t funny anymore.

Is it too much to ask to run into someone and find out that they are going to love me forever? And that we will be endlessly supportive of one another?

Ahhhhh eh eh

House of cards

I’m living in a house of cards although still maintaining solidarity I don’t feel lonely. I’m on the verge of making friends and I’m busy as hell. In four days

I yoga (thanks to Sam)
I swim at lunch (and now shower naked at the gym)
I babysit (and give everyone flowers and eat all their food)
I housesit (and get parking tickets)
I tinder date (or very foreign house that I want to not so creepily be a part of)
I lunch date (Camille – did I make a friend??)
I go out with my roommates (only mildly awkward bluegrass night – lost joe and maybe made a friend named Allie??)
I sign up for banjo lessons (starts next week)
I go on runs (1X)
I work full time

I’ve only had one full on mental breakdown. Instigated by yet another insane parking ticket. Fueled by having to face max at work. Encouraged by napkins full of bugs and hiking up 20 flights of stairs.

I’m trying so hard to get involved and to be patient. I’m really really trying. I’m trying to give out so much love in the hopes that it will be returned. In the end it’s selfish really. I’m so focused on this place and succeeding here. It’s hard to be everything at once. I’m trying harder than I ever have to be responsible. I’m trying to remind myself I have something to offer this place too… That’s what’s hard, I’m not as cool here and there’s too many people to really fit in .

I bought the family sunflowers and the dad almost pulled out his old college bong to put them in. I love them. Today was the first day I’ve ever wanted a baby.

Trinity alps

Last year Labor Day really wasn’t all that different… There were still mountains, tents and couples, sunshine and water…

This time I had my own tent and I didn’t love anyone. I don’t smoke enough weed to really fit in and I haven’t listened to enough fish to really bond. It was good, it was relaxed and it was sunny. The perfect first backpacking experience. I just can’t wrap my mind around why this boy loves her and is so sweet to her… She sounds like Fran dresher for goodnes sake! We drove so far… and she was a fucking mess the whole time. Entertaining yes, someone you want to actually take care of? No.

I am continually reminded of the importance of friends and people and how hard it is to come by those people who understand you. You believe and care about the same things… I haven’t found those people here yet although I’m trying to be patient and I’m trying to be grateful for the incredible opportunities I’m being given.

Their code for the card game kings was saying “I love you”. I mean really?!

I was feeling super contemplative sitting all day napping by the lake but I didn’t have a pen or notebook… Only the mix of super contentedness and discontent in my mind.

Lovely spot, funny and weird weekend

No quarter life crisis… Yet

One day of being 25

I’ve learned you can’t survive off of beer, hummus and chocolate cake. You instead will get sick.

I’ve learned that being kind is best. I may not be stunning or clever but I am kind. You have to be one of the three to succeed.

Friends are epically important. As are places but plans are never sure enough to negate the emotional importance of friends.

Love changes the way you perceive trust, fun and humanity. It’s like pandora a box once you pop that cherry… You always search for it and nothing is quite as shiny without it.

I have a very basic grasp of men… They disappoint me but I’m more disappointed in what women (including myself) let them get away with.

I need daily exercise, seven hours of sleep and at least one human conversation in order to feel like a real life person everyday. I feel like I’m really just starting to get to know myself.

I can’t drink, eat or run like I used to. But on my mommas life I have never shit my pants in public. So, I’ve got that going for me.

Ecstatic dance

And I’m now suddenly busy and overwhelmed with ten zillion things I want to be involved in and yet I still don’t know anyone. Facebook just depressed me with the happy couples. My life is so free… Today I hiked mountains, made all the yummy food I wanted, bought myself presents, danced my heart out and it was all for me. When in life will I ever again be this free? Intentionally busy but all of my own doing… I sign up to babysit, I sign up to become an uber driver, I commit to learning to cook, banjo and work full time. This is all what I want. My brain has been on hyped up over drive all day and it’s because I have a list… I have a purpose. But I still want someone to share all this with. I don’t want to have to eat this spaghetti squash all week… I don’t want to dance alone.

Ps that ecstatic dance was literally some of the craziest shit I have ever seen bar none and I have seen some wild fucking shit. Orgasms to tummy bubbles on the floor in front of 200 people? Yeah don’t look up at me like I’m not supposed to watch you crazy, you just growled at her?!

Last week was depressing and sunny. Time is zooming and I’m already feeling like I’m over committed. I have a calendar to follow. I’m having to plan for holidays. I’m wanting to have visitors and explore but I also want to get out and explore. There’s almost too much here. I’m a little overwhelmed by possibilities but grateful that I have some time. Every trip to the city (2x) has made me never really want to go back to the city. The whole online dating thing I already had to take a break from. Why am I disliked? What was it? That threw me for a pretty big loop all three really… I’m good at talking to strangers and I feel generally likeable. I need an outside perspective,
I think I’ve become cocky but I also want to maintain the confidence I’ve gained over the past couple years. I feel like a different person… A surer person… Moreover I know what I want. Why can’t those things also want me?

Friday night was the case of guardian angles and heavy handed bar tenders. Great until it wasn’t anymore. I was deathly frightened I had made a terrible impression (still not sure I didn’t) until erick was incapacitated all the next day. Am I the girl erick? So much to offer but just sorta unattractive too?

A few weeks ago a young kid stopped me on the street to tell me I was cute. I hadn’t showered and I’m not sure if he wasn’t full of shit. Some days I feel pretty and luckily those days outweigh those I don’t… But it’s weird because I don’t think I see reality. That’s what’s scary… What if I’m out of touch? Why am I not desirable? Even the friend who came over… Tall, so much in common totally dissed me at the bar. Made it clear he didn’t want to talk to me. That doesn’t happen to pretty girls. I know that doesn’t happen to pretty girls.

I want to be wise like I learned in india. Slow to judge and quick to learn. Well rounded able to connect with anyone. I was to share and spread love like it’s my passion but most of all I want to be genuine. I want to be elegant, classy and wildly fun and unexpected all at the same time. I want to exude sex and confidence but remain pure of spirit. I want to be athletic, fashionable, artistic and intelligent all at the same time. I want to continually fashion who this person should be and I want to share this person intimately with someone who will help me become this… And who I can help them become them.

I’m desperate to be noticed and to be gratified. This is birthday week and the quarter life crisis. Once again another birthday in a place far away from the ability to really celebrate. Last year at the beach was low key this year there’s no plan and looks to be low key. I can’t even commit to what i want from my parents. I want to learn the banjo but when do I have the time? Do I have the strength to persevere through that learning curve?

25 – I will have one real boyfriend, two one night stands, two loves and no returns in love or pleasure. I have connected deeply to people and places only to have them out of reach. Birthdays are for feeling loved and I’ve always been so lucky to be so loved. I think I still feel it but I’m not really sure. I hope I don’t focus on how many people forget… Or how many people have moved on. I’ve created this huge life opportunity and I want to be successful and follow through but I’ve also made sacrifices along the way. Some people I’ll truly love forever but life gets in the way. It always gets in the way though doesn’t it.

The more kids I babysit the more I realize I’m not ready for kids (or a relationship) shit.