Some things need to be remembered forever…and some not so much

Month: December, 2014

The night before New Year’s Eve

It’s already been a year – unreal. Last year I was dancing in Cape Town… I haven’t even had a chance to wear that dress again. That’s still so badly where I want to be. I’m living and loving this amazing place but I still regret that I didn’t try harder to stay. I totally just got scared and caved. It wasn’t time – I knew it wasn’t time and I had nothing to come back to. What the fuck was I thinking. But here I am… Plan B which definitely isn’t bad.

This next year I won’t make resolutions. I want to make intentions. I intend to be more thoughtful and purposeful. I want to put my all into everything, all this I’ve chosen. Sure my job isn’t ideal but I need to put my all into it. If I want to be in a relationship – I need to put my all in that. (That is evidenced in this week that i could use some backup with the fam). If I want to be fit – I need to work out hard and with purpose. I need to slow down and put thought into what I do. This life is madness and I’m working hard to make it work – but I need to look for opportunities and take advantage of these I currently have.

I’ll go back south and reconnect one day. Just because I was scared and fucked it up once – it doesn’t mean I’ll do that twice.

Christmas miracles

Today my father ate things he didn’t recognize with his hands

My parents took the bart solo and I’m in bed on Christmas at 9pm

It’s been the fastest year ever and I’m only more confused than I’ve ever been – last year I was sunburned and mildly depressed

I’ve had some fun with men from conflict zones – I’ve danced to top 40 and laughed about spooning with 19 year olds on their birthdays. I’ve had some serious fun these past few weeks.

I have more mixed feelings than ever about the job – overall life is good, wonderful but I still feel like I’m working to get to a place – I’m not settled yet – I’m not happy yet and I’m essentially doing an Ameri-corp placement

I wish in so many ways I had met my husband in college – I want my person… I want my thing to depend on and make decisions with. I want to plan adventures with them and make friends with them but this can’t be just anyone. This scares me so terribly. What am I doing to attract that kind of person? I’m trying my hardest to get out – be out . Work out .

I’ve been in one place six months and I’m antsy.

It all starts with too much time on Facebook – comparing others lives, travels and relationships. I want all that. I want to be loved and admired.

I have a few days to decide on New Years resolutions and New Years goals

Mixed feelings

I have so many mixed feelings a out this job – I really can’t decide if I hate it. I guess that means I don’t hate it . But I also know I don’t want to settle in life. This time last year I was just getting to Cape Town – I read through my journal. I learned so so much – I know I’m still learning but I don’t feel engaged and I don’t feel utilized. I don’t feel challenged or really appreciated.

I feel like I’m not as exciting anymore – I love that I can work out and go to yoga and have sustainable friendships and attend house parties… But I need something else. I was so sure this time last year but I couldn’t figure it out.

What if life is that way – I know what I want and I’m sure of it but maybe it’s not possible?

Last weekend was incredible. House party in tiburon mansion. Second best was the only single one / funny and sore and so exhausted afterwards. That’s exactly why I moved to California. (I think)