Decide what to be and go be it.

by lelocke12

I feel relatively wise compared to my peers – I see them not knowing what they want out of life. Waiting for a man to make them complete. Intentionally choosing to harm themselves in relationships. All for the sake of feeling something? Or feeling nothing, I’m not sure which. I can’t pretend like I have a plan or even a direction but I have standards and I have things I want out of life. I want love, experience, culture, comfort and understanding. – joy – My mom is so interestingly adamant about telling me that I don’t need a marriage and a family to be happy. I agree – but I do want these things. Not because I think it will make my life easier, I’m actually pretty positive it will be harder. But because I’ve had a taste of love. I understand how all consuming it is and I want it again so badly. I crave it – I watch movies and hear stories and I crave it.

One friend is in love and having sex with a married man – another just is having lots of casual sex to empower herself and cover up her insatiable desire to be satisfied by a man – another is having no sex with the man she will marry and another is in a terrible relationship with a loser that won’t end. Lacks goals – they all fail to uphold the standards they had set for themselves. Why do girls always settle? Why is this normal in our culture? That the dude brings home the hottie mega winner and the girls partner just needs to be decent enough to procreate with. This is upsetting.

I see how fickle relationships can be – how people who I’ve called my friends,
Most of my friends were out of convenience. It’s all about place and timing – some have built me up and challenged me… But most haven’t. If I were to get married tomorrow, I would only ask for bridesmaids out of obligation. Not because we have anything in common at all anymore – we care because of history and that’s it. At this point I find most of my friends mind numbing and dull. I don’t want to really talk about gossip, boys, sex and clothes but I also don’t want to talk about drugs and organic food. I want to care – I want to cross that bridge and be mutually open with someone. I want to know, understand and care. I want to soak up someone’s wisdom whom I admire. But the difference from the past is that I want them to care in return. I feel like I miss him still – but it’s not him or that relationship- I miss all the feelings I had towards him.

I moved partially to get away from the mindset of needing someone else to be happy and fulfilled – the social pressure to be married. With all these visitors I’m still surrounded by it and I haven’t made any real friends. It’s tough I guess – my job definitely doesn’t help.

I don’t need a man to solve problems or create problems. I just want somebody who I like to hang out with on a semi-regular basis. Maybe even someone who has my back. Maybe eventually an emergency contact that’s not my dad.

The easiest door to open is often the hardest to close

I think the “have you found a church yet” discussion won’t ever stop – the same way having a tattoo will be earth shatteringly disappointing