sweetnc

Some things need to be remembered forever…and some not so much

Month: October, 2014

I’m not quite living my nightmare but it’s close

There are perks or the promise of perks… I signed up for this I have to keep reminding myself. All for the opportunity to live out here and be out here. I am… I’m doing it. But in also need to remind myself there’s nothing keeping me here.

I’m not giving up if I go home.

It’s awesome that they may send me to the Caribbean but this day to day thing is what I can’t handle.

The other office gets 28 days of vacation and I’m locked to this box with a boy I can’t stand. This isn’t me. This isn’t what I’m passionate about even if the cause is good and most of the people are good. It’s the ones directly around me I can’t stand. They aren’t here – they don’t see.

I shouldn’t be miserable half the time in order to be happy half. Life’s too short and I shouldn’t be distrusted because of other people’s past mistakes.

I flip flop so often. Sometimes I’m ok with this and maybe this trip to Portland will relieve some of this. Maybe not – maybe I look for new jobs…

Maybe I get none of the perceived benefits. Maybe it’s not about me – and I know it’s not the worst ever. It can always be worse. But why not atleast be satisfied?

The worst part – I’m not sure there is a remedy. It’s like she is making me put my time in because she had to- but she doesn’t know that I already have. I wouldn’t have put up with the same shit she has. max doesn’t know either way and the bland fuck is just happy to be employed.

I’m looking at the big picture. Does this make me happy? No. Do I believe in what I’m doing? Maybe. Do I like who I work with? No. Do I feel inspired? No. Do I travel? Negotiable. Do I have freedom? No. Am I trusted? No. Do I get to do most things how I want? Yes. Perk sometimes twice a year I go to the zoo.

I need to resign myself to the fact that I applied for an entry level position and I am to be treated like an entry level employee. Although because of my experience, degree and connections I feel entitled to much more. This is true. I’m sure she resents me for feeling entitled and know that I could fuck shit up- but it’s days like today where I’m almost willing to.

Get me out of here – if there’s not a carribean trip planned by December- I will be actively looking for new employment.

Life’s way to short for ten days vacation. Fuck. Unless you would voluntarily do work as your vacation.

Fun – tober

This month isn’t even over and it’s been expensive and exhausting and fulfilling.

I finally feel like I’m starting to maybe have friends here but also finally having people visit has allowed me to show off a place I’m learning to love as one of my own. I have had the full range of emotions of fully learning to hate my co-worker and job to enjoying it- planning trips and going to zoos.

Dana was beautifully independent and the giggles were exactly what my soul needed. Yosemite was a dream- Eric was hilariously hungover. Fashion week – constant eating – cream and dim sum – missed ferries to sausalito, helping homeless and Burmese

Katherine was difficult, unpredictable Katherine. Surprisingly less independent than I anticipated and more demanding – highlighted by an incredible evening of goldfish and new friends. South African men with jumpers around their waists and the fastest uber ride of all time. I’m not sure how much fun she really had because she shows no emotion. Im actually glad she’s not seriously thinking about moving here – she is loyal and responsible but not my responsibility or something I always want to be associated with. Almost got attacked by a homeless dude in china town. Real life.

Loz and Matt!!! Trampled by turtles –
Boxes of bacons in ubers – chicken and waffles – bears- rain in tahoe and sisterly love. Fuck I love that girl like a sister I never had.

I’ve gained weight and experience –

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Can I charge my phone?

Tonight was hilarious.

So much laughter afterwards and so much what I needed. Desperately needed. This is the happiest I’ve been since I arrived and it’s all because of the international students. Weird for the win.

First Richard is my absolute favorite without a doubt. He skipped class and left his backpack as a disguise in grad school! Ahaha plays beautiful guitar and makes funny comments about weed and selfies.

Rando was sitting outside the house when I arrived and asked of it was cool to charge his phone and never left. He tried to sell weed to everyone, hit on me onsessently and tried to play my banjo. It was rough but he did cook us all dinner! And for once in my life I appropriately portioned food.

The whole thing was fucking out of control hysterical and out of control.

“How many years you dropping?”

Suck ups

I still wish I was in Africa.

I now understand more then ever how many people feel the same – I understand I can’t really be there right now. I can’t make this work today.
But it’s so weird to love a place so deeply and feel like it’s farther out of reach than ever.

I know why I’ve said and done these things – I’m trying to mentally justify the fact I’ve uprooted my life for a job locked in a cave with a dude I hate when I could make more money on unemployment in a place where I have no friends and no flexibility.

I better atleast goddamn believe in what I’m doing fuck.

Y’all should suck up to me. And dont treat me like a spoiled volunteer – I’m not your past employees and I’m not going to stick around if I’m not respected. I might not stick around anyway. I could absolutely blow their faces off – it’s not like the job is challenging.

I just need to remind myself everyday how much I hate max and how little he is to be trusted.