No quarter life crisis… Yet

One day of being 25

I’ve learned you can’t survive off of beer, hummus and chocolate cake. You instead will get sick.

I’ve learned that being kind is best. I may not be stunning or clever but I am kind. You have to be one of the three to succeed.

Friends are epically important. As are places but plans are never sure enough to negate the emotional importance of friends.

Love changes the way you perceive trust, fun and humanity. It’s like pandora a box once you pop that cherry… You always search for it and nothing is quite as shiny without it.

I have a very basic grasp of men… They disappoint me but I’m more disappointed in what women (including myself) let them get away with.

I need daily exercise, seven hours of sleep and at least one human conversation in order to feel like a real life person everyday. I feel like I’m really just starting to get to know myself.

I can’t drink, eat or run like I used to. But on my mommas life I have never shit my pants in public. So, I’ve got that going for me.

Ecstatic dance

And I’m now suddenly busy and overwhelmed with ten zillion things I want to be involved in and yet I still don’t know anyone. Facebook just depressed me with the happy couples. My life is so free… Today I hiked mountains, made all the yummy food I wanted, bought myself presents, danced my heart out and it was all for me. When in life will I ever again be this free? Intentionally busy but all of my own doing… I sign up to babysit, I sign up to become an uber driver, I commit to learning to cook, banjo and work full time. This is all what I want. My brain has been on hyped up over drive all day and it’s because I have a list… I have a purpose. But I still want someone to share all this with. I don’t want to have to eat this spaghetti squash all week… I don’t want to dance alone.

Ps that ecstatic dance was literally some of the craziest shit I have ever seen bar none and I have seen some wild fucking shit. Orgasms to tummy bubbles on the floor in front of 200 people? Yeah don’t look up at me like I’m not supposed to watch you crazy, you just growled at her?!

Last week was depressing and sunny. Time is zooming and I’m already feeling like I’m over committed. I have a calendar to follow. I’m having to plan for holidays. I’m wanting to have visitors and explore but I also want to get out and explore. There’s almost too much here. I’m a little overwhelmed by possibilities but grateful that I have some time. Every trip to the city (2x) has made me never really want to go back to the city. The whole online dating thing I already had to take a break from. Why am I disliked? What was it? That threw me for a pretty big loop all three really… I’m good at talking to strangers and I feel generally likeable. I need an outside perspective,
I think I’ve become cocky but I also want to maintain the confidence I’ve gained over the past couple years. I feel like a different person… A surer person… Moreover I know what I want. Why can’t those things also want me?

Friday night was the case of guardian angles and heavy handed bar tenders. Great until it wasn’t anymore. I was deathly frightened I had made a terrible impression (still not sure I didn’t) until erick was incapacitated all the next day. Am I the girl erick? So much to offer but just sorta unattractive too?

A few weeks ago a young kid stopped me on the street to tell me I was cute. I hadn’t showered and I’m not sure if he wasn’t full of shit. Some days I feel pretty and luckily those days outweigh those I don’t… But it’s weird because I don’t think I see reality. That’s what’s scary… What if I’m out of touch? Why am I not desirable? Even the friend who came over… Tall, so much in common totally dissed me at the bar. Made it clear he didn’t want to talk to me. That doesn’t happen to pretty girls. I know that doesn’t happen to pretty girls.

I want to be wise like I learned in india. Slow to judge and quick to learn. Well rounded able to connect with anyone. I was to share and spread love like it’s my passion but most of all I want to be genuine. I want to be elegant, classy and wildly fun and unexpected all at the same time. I want to exude sex and confidence but remain pure of spirit. I want to be athletic, fashionable, artistic and intelligent all at the same time. I want to continually fashion who this person should be and I want to share this person intimately with someone who will help me become this… And who I can help them become them.

I’m desperate to be noticed and to be gratified. This is birthday week and the quarter life crisis. Once again another birthday in a place far away from the ability to really celebrate. Last year at the beach was low key this year there’s no plan and looks to be low key. I can’t even commit to what i want from my parents. I want to learn the banjo but when do I have the time? Do I have the strength to persevere through that learning curve?

25 – I will have one real boyfriend, two one night stands, two loves and no returns in love or pleasure. I have connected deeply to people and places only to have them out of reach. Birthdays are for feeling loved and I’ve always been so lucky to be so loved. I think I still feel it but I’m not really sure. I hope I don’t focus on how many people forget… Or how many people have moved on. I’ve created this huge life opportunity and I want to be successful and follow through but I’ve also made sacrifices along the way. Some people I’ll truly love forever but life gets in the way. It always gets in the way though doesn’t it.

The more kids I babysit the more I realize I’m not ready for kids (or a relationship) shit.

Time to over analyze

Well, he didn’t pay or offer and that’s literally the only negative I can think of. Adorable adorable and I am picky as shit.

Fuck and now he won’t text me back. That’s just awesome. I know I say stupid shit sometimes around boys but really…? I tried to look so pretty today.

Tall so dark and does good things for work? Shiiiiiiiiit.

I can walk to every cuisine my heart desires, is this fat kid heaven?

I had so many thoughts walking back with my Indian take away. I’ve become so independent it’s nice not to feel lonely when I really am so alone in a place. I told Sam yesterday that I really want to be intentional about the people I invest my time in. It’s not that I want to be judgmental or that i intend to be but I also know what I want and who I want to be. I know what kind of people I want in my life. They aren’t the kinda of people I’ve had in the past… Although those weren’t bad people, they were convenient people. Nobody, least of all me wants to be just convenient.

In the coming weeks I need to make an effort to get more involved that’s not either babysitting or tinder. All this talk about being patient is true but I don’t need an excuse to be lazy. I function better when I’m busy.

I’m a good sleeper and eater… Essentially I’m a good teenager.

I’ve met two solid families for house sitting and babysitting. I think I figured out that I don’t want to be a full time stay at home mom. I think part time because I still want to maintain my identity. I still want to be able to explore and have friends and go to the grocery store…

This is where I need to be for now. I genuinely love it. The cultures on every corner. The crazies, the opportunity, even the number of people to watch but I want my kids to understand their privilege and place in society and i need a partner who also understands that too. Privilege almost seems magnified because there are so many people exploiting it here. Trust fund babies… Traveler kids, IT guys and start up kids. I know my international community that I got so spoiled with is here but I’ve got to find them. I know there are other transplants here who want to be friends but I’ve got to find them.

I’m still content and I’m still happy but I still worry about the future.

Weekend/week one solo is pretty much turning out exactly as expected. Contemplative and lazy.

I miss southern men

My first tinder date was a FAIL.

It was fine on paper and ten points for location and conversation. But really!? Who lets the broke girl who came all the way across the city pay for both her drinks and then walk through the homeless ghetto at midnight when you KNOW she hasn’t been to the city before. BUNK THAT. I don’t care if you smelled nice.

I was so pissed and tipsy that I took the MUNI instead of the BART and found myself in a right situation and didn’t get home until 1am.

Not cool online dating not cool

Officially starting over

My one friend left yesterday. 

Now I get to explore on my own. 

She asked me what I would get into…I said swimming, maybe community involvement, maybe a language course? 

Instead I actually plan to date my face off and get in shape. I can’t afford to be involved in the community or take a language course because there is a very real possibility I will have to get a night job. 

Last night was mega discouraging but I knew this move wouldn’t be easy. Its gonna be tough. Crazy and tough and hopefully rewarding. 

Excellent weekends in the big sur and tahoe. 

now…lets just hope I don’t murder my current only other coworker.