And I’m now suddenly busy and overwhelmed with ten zillion things I want to be involved in and yet I still don’t know anyone. Facebook just depressed me with the happy couples. My life is so free… Today I hiked mountains, made all the yummy food I wanted, bought myself presents, danced my heart out and it was all for me. When in life will I ever again be this free? Intentionally busy but all of my own doing… I sign up to babysit, I sign up to become an uber driver, I commit to learning to cook, banjo and work full time. This is all what I want. My brain has been on hyped up over drive all day and it’s because I have a list… I have a purpose. But I still want someone to share all this with. I don’t want to have to eat this spaghetti squash all week… I don’t want to dance alone.
Ps that ecstatic dance was literally some of the craziest shit I have ever seen bar none and I have seen some wild fucking shit. Orgasms to tummy bubbles on the floor in front of 200 people? Yeah don’t look up at me like I’m not supposed to watch you crazy, you just growled at her?!
Last week was depressing and sunny. Time is zooming and I’m already feeling like I’m over committed. I have a calendar to follow. I’m having to plan for holidays. I’m wanting to have visitors and explore but I also want to get out and explore. There’s almost too much here. I’m a little overwhelmed by possibilities but grateful that I have some time. Every trip to the city (2x) has made me never really want to go back to the city. The whole online dating thing I already had to take a break from. Why am I disliked? What was it? That threw me for a pretty big loop all three really… I’m good at talking to strangers and I feel generally likeable. I need an outside perspective,
I think I’ve become cocky but I also want to maintain the confidence I’ve gained over the past couple years. I feel like a different person… A surer person… Moreover I know what I want. Why can’t those things also want me?
Friday night was the case of guardian angles and heavy handed bar tenders. Great until it wasn’t anymore. I was deathly frightened I had made a terrible impression (still not sure I didn’t) until erick was incapacitated all the next day. Am I the girl erick? So much to offer but just sorta unattractive too?
A few weeks ago a young kid stopped me on the street to tell me I was cute. I hadn’t showered and I’m not sure if he wasn’t full of shit. Some days I feel pretty and luckily those days outweigh those I don’t… But it’s weird because I don’t think I see reality. That’s what’s scary… What if I’m out of touch? Why am I not desirable? Even the friend who came over… Tall, so much in common totally dissed me at the bar. Made it clear he didn’t want to talk to me. That doesn’t happen to pretty girls. I know that doesn’t happen to pretty girls.
I want to be wise like I learned in india. Slow to judge and quick to learn. Well rounded able to connect with anyone. I was to share and spread love like it’s my passion but most of all I want to be genuine. I want to be elegant, classy and wildly fun and unexpected all at the same time. I want to exude sex and confidence but remain pure of spirit. I want to be athletic, fashionable, artistic and intelligent all at the same time. I want to continually fashion who this person should be and I want to share this person intimately with someone who will help me become this… And who I can help them become them.
I’m desperate to be noticed and to be gratified. This is birthday week and the quarter life crisis. Once again another birthday in a place far away from the ability to really celebrate. Last year at the beach was low key this year there’s no plan and looks to be low key. I can’t even commit to what i want from my parents. I want to learn the banjo but when do I have the time? Do I have the strength to persevere through that learning curve?
25 – I will have one real boyfriend, two one night stands, two loves and no returns in love or pleasure. I have connected deeply to people and places only to have them out of reach. Birthdays are for feeling loved and I’ve always been so lucky to be so loved. I think I still feel it but I’m not really sure. I hope I don’t focus on how many people forget… Or how many people have moved on. I’ve created this huge life opportunity and I want to be successful and follow through but I’ve also made sacrifices along the way. Some people I’ll truly love forever but life gets in the way. It always gets in the way though doesn’t it.
The more kids I babysit the more I realize I’m not ready for kids (or a relationship) shit.