Some things need to be remembered forever…and some not so much

Month: May, 2014

conch chowder

drove five hours to be sick. viciously ill. 

later in life this will be funny. later in life I will look back at think how great it was to have time and energy to visit people. Hopefully I won’t remember how miserable the transition was. 

There have been other rough patches I have learned from and I hated those moments because I felt alone or didn’t identify with people. Argentina…my lack of spanish was depressing and I hated all the kids I studied with. First year of graduate school I felt alone and overwhelmed. I remember sitting on the couch on a Friday night, I couldn’t believe thats where my life had left me…alone on a Friday night. Sometimes I’m sad because I’m not fit enough…not sought after enough by men…I haven’t achieved as much as some of my peers. Sometimes I want to be married and have a good job…sometimes I want to worry about how to decorate my house, build a garden and what to name my children. But I don’t quite feel old enough for all that yet. Am I playing a sick game in my head? Why does everyone else feel old enough for these things? How in the world are they responsible enough. 

I just want my days to be filled with plans again…I want to be accomplishing something…surrounded by people I love dearly. I am so frustrated with North Carolina. I love it dearly and I know that I could make anything work…but in the end the people I already have here don’t inspire me. They depress me. I absorb the negative energy. I just want to sit here on this couch and drink all joys beers and eat all her frozen food…continuing this pity party.  

Sam made me sad…I know she is scared of change…she wants to be married…this is what she sees as happiness…this is where she is surrounded and now its how her life is consumed…but marriage shouldn’t be a goal or a distraction….I desperately want to share my life with someone else. I learned this the hard way in South Africa. Things weren’t quite as brilliant when I loved someone half way across the world and wanted to share everything with them. But I don’t want to share this with just anyone. I should have stayed there…I should have forked over the money and gone back to the wild coast. I just didn’t know what else to do…I didn’t have a purpose and I still don’t feel that I have one. I know Sam is scared that she will loose my friendship…we are deeply different people but we help one another with the different perspectives. She’s harsh and easily offended and I’m easy to let go of negative energy. That being said…she has been there for me like nobody else when I’ve needed support. I can only hope to return that as the years continue. 

May in Maine

Julie is the reassurance and escape I needed. 

I can do the minimalist thing. It may not be the most adult or the “coolest” but there is no point in pushing myself beyond who I need to be at this moment. 

Her closet is limited, her mattress in on the floor and she has acquired all her furniture for free/goodwill. But already she has created a warm little home. A home that she loves dearly. It was so special for her to share it with me. This weekend was the absolute escape i needed. I have to thank anna larson for showing me how much is means to have someone make the effort to visit. 

I luckily made the bus, the ethiopian cab driver cursed the maine winters and the bus driver sang songs. Julie picked me up with Pizza and all the groceries for the week. The christmas lights created a warm glow above the cigarette shop. Image

BOLD COAST: picnics in the sunshine, laughter and pictures. Near death scaling cliffs but wild adventure was had. It couldn’t have been better weather…we finished the day with a coastal walk in Milbridge and an incredible homemade steak dinner. I am once again inspired to become a better cook. Image

RAIN IN ACADIA: friends and yard sales, cinnamon buns and puppies, adoubon bird prints, lots of driving, lots of snacking, failed apple bongs, ANGES (lox bagels), hiking, new red rain coats, health food and heavy ice cream, german movies and blankets, cab calloway swing musicImage

DRIVE SOUTH: another fancy breakfast that I didn’t help prepare, beautiful drive down the coast through tiny towns, latin music non-stop, poutain at duck fat, walks and homeless of portland, ferry to peaks island, dads and 420, friends and quiche, tree trimmings as gifts, beautiful island sunsets, fancy stay at another friends incredible senate apartment. Image

early morning life back to the airport…and that was it. A quick weekend of observations, self discovery and reflection. We are both broke but so willing to go above and beyond to see people cared for. Thats what life is about. Loving people and places and showing it. I don’t think I could ever life in Maine during the winter…but start me in May and I could thrive in the attitude of those who are hardier than I. Genuine, friendly, liberal, kind people. What more could we all want? 

for FOX sake what should I do with my life?!

Here is where I am.

I’ll be 25 in three months.

I’ve been at home for two and I gotsta go.

I have friends on every end of the spectrum. Stable and adult-like…married…traveling the world…or simply bussing tables barely able to maintain an unpaid internship. I currently fall in between..stable (enough) financially because of wonderful parents and lucky circumstances, masters degree, valuable career experience but no full-time “big kid” job on the resume. YET

I’ve been presented with two equally wonderful job opportunities…one of which I am already committed to. I had applied for a position during my panicked salary negotiations that would have been mind numbingly exciting for except now…I’ve booked myself in a house and a position starting July 1st. However, although I would feel terrible it is not impossible to back out.


Adventure. Moving across the country to work in San Francisco. However…I have no idea who I will be working with (which could be wonderful or terrible) and the job description is verrry vague. The office has no windows and I will get 10days vacation a year “slave labor” according to K. Hartley. Also, the pay is abysmal. I have had a lot of anxiety in accepting the position on such terms. There was an in-depth financial package review which caused stress and tears. Ultimately, I decided to look at this a career opportunity over a financial one. I have a masters degree and will be making less than a server. They value high – long-term commitment towards the “cause”. Its a cool job-cool people in a place I have always DREAMED of living. However, what if I can’t really afford to be there. There is also a lot of potential upward mobility because it is a small/expanding company and a lot of unique experience I can gain with initiative. However, the salary and vacation time will always be stressfully terrible. Eventually I will get to travel domestically and after about two years go on a quick trip to SA. I love SA more than anywhere I have ever been. I would love to work to help the wildlife there but I’m also not convinced this is the most ethical way of doing it. Also, being in SA everyone would be able to come visit me and I potentially could visit Kate in the UK (as this is where the company is based). Although this is giant speculation.


Overall, a move to Durham would be easier. Of all cities in the State at this moment this is also where I’m drawn. Close enough to family/friends yet still unexplored. Up and coming and inspiring. However, it is still north carolina. It is still the bible belt and maintains a large reason of why I so desperately want to travel and be surrounded by inspiring people. This job is from a well-known non-profit and my job description is clear. REPUTABLE. My resume would automatically be reputable. I would get to connect with other reputable Universities…Harvard…Yale…they are already on board. The people have been kind and genuine thus far. I would travel intensively (which would make community involvement in Durham difficult). However, (this is yet to be confirmed) I imagine the pay is MUCH better as well as the vacation time. My family and friends would love for me to stay close by. I would be able to attend birthdays/weddings and maybe have time to explore. This is definitely the safer of the two choices and likely the most rational.

I read an article which talked about how our generations dream is to move to the city… I thought I would go back to Cape Town. That was my plan and that felt right. I always talked about San Francisco as a back-up. Before I left I wanted to stay in NC (ideally Carborro/Durham) and be close to my cousins. Clearly I just have no idea what the dream is because it keeps changing as opportunities change. Which…I imagine is a flexible and ideal way to be but I just can’t keep floundering. I so so badly need a “place”. Its only been a year without one but I need a space of my own…I want to have friends to call and a community to be involved in. This doesn’t need to be a permanent place but it needs to work on becoming familiar. I just don’t want to go through this whole job search process again this time next year. This doesn’t need to be forever…but two years at least would be nice. Maybe at 26 I’ll have a better idea of where I want to be and how to achieve this nomadically stable lifestyle.

Ultimately I am confidant that at this point there is no “wrong decision”. However, this only makes it worse. There is no clear cut DO THIS. I don’t want to regret not taking the opportunity to move out west and learn from the adventure of a new place but I also don’t want to totally fuck up financially in my first big kid job.

But the underlying question behind these positions is who do I want to be? What are my dreams verses what is my reality?

I know who I am currently. I live minimally..I don’t need much. (I still can’t figure out people are living waiting tables in SF)…are they ALL trust find babies? I have been lucky to travel/meet people and really analyze where I see myself. I know my people are in the SF Bay but I know there are some of my people in Durham (maybe just less of them). There are incredible opportunities personally and professionally in the Bay area but is this worth the financial stress. Ideally, I want to balance life between extremes…The Vicco who travels the world in search of adventure jobs literally being the coolest kid on the block but one day ending up like Scott/Duarte having my place and my people and finding adventure in stable everyday life. I want to be open-minded and well-traveled and have adventure and new exciting things in my backyard…would I regret not going out to SF? I can’t necessarily guarantee that the house would provide people I love…although on initial review the house seemed AWESOME. I’m certainly not afraid to meet new people…However, I desperately do not want to turn into Victoria. 30 years old with all these incredible stories but totally totally unstable and floundering. At this point I want to know where my place is and build it…I don’t want to wait too long though living life as a nomad trying to just be the coolest kid in school. Im confidant there are cool people and opportunities everywhere…I would be “happy” anywhere. I think….

My nightmare is that I would have a 9-5 and come home to watch netflix every night.

I know that I can no longer live with my parents. This has been tense and I am thrilled with my upcoming adventures. However, I do want to live close to them when I settle down. I want them to be an intimate part of my life and my children’s lives…even if we disagree on lifestyle choices and political values we agree on many more basic attributes of life. This connection is important for me to maintain. Alternatively…unlike my peers I am no where near able to mentally process being married and I cannot fathom how everyone else around me seems responsible enough for this decision. Although currently all of my fantasies revolve around meeting this person and what our beautiful life would look like. I know this person needs to be adventurous, yet fiscally responsible…where would I potentially meet this person? Yes, I would love to be in a relationship now…but I certainly have a lot of my own shit to work out (like being financially/personally responsible and adult-like). However, I need to be realistic that this is a goal I have for myself and I need to understand how important these relationships are to me. My people are spread out…there is no one really “keeping” me in North Carolina. It terms of friendships…there may be a couple weddings in the next years but my closer people I hope will wait alt east two years (although at this stage those things may start happening quickly).

I have always trusted my gut. My intuition has been strong in the past and things have “felt right”. Maybe this interview will feel right. But what if it doesn’t. What if I’m left crying with the thought of missing out on an incredible life opportunity. I don’t want to settle down to early and Lord knows I never ever ever want to settle.

Anna told me I’m not allowed to say “no” until I turn 30