The perfect life distraction

Ah well it’s been fun. I guess I have made more of an effort for this “nice guy” than I’ve given myself credit for. Tonight I drove all the way to Durham, I stuck around for the show… Brought friends, bought drinks and drove everyone around.

Not to toot my own horn or anything but I’m seriously nice sometimes

I just loved being in a relationship. I love having someone who knows about your life, loves you for who you are and still wants to hold your hand in public.

This kids cute. He fiiiinally kissed me. I think I do like him, although I’m glad it’s zero pressure so then I don’t have to overanaylze if I’m actually on the edge. I wish he worked out and ate better… Maybe if he could figure out how to calculate a tip that would be good too.. Haha oh poor thing but he’s ever so sweet.

Last night was pretty funny. Pom/pbr pregame – Jen and her ridiculous hottie German – Katherine is in love and taking selfies – first time tinder dates result in hilarious awkwardness “affections” – and stoned rappers ending the show – douchie band members and trips to cookout – back to Rachel’s at 4am = whooped and hungover before bed

I saw him again tonight… It’s all interesting and I can’t quite figure out why I’m making such of an effort. It’s all really the perfect life distraction.

palm reading prophecy

Life isn’t always supposed to be easy. Things are bad sometimes. Ive been really lucky that Ive been sheltered from the bad. Sure, in my naivety I’ve made up some bad. But it wasn’t really bad and this isn’t really bad. 

 

I just feel stuck…I don’t want to do all this over again. I don’t want to live in a society which treats people this way. 

They are making my saint of a father reinterview for his job…what the fuck? What is wrong with his boss…whats wrong with this company in the UK? Why in the world would they put an office in Berkeley if they won’t pay people to be there. 

I’m so willing and I’m in such a lucky financial situation and I’m willing to make massive sacrifices. How are normal people living? Is everyone just in debt? What would I do if I had student loans or a car payment? I don’t feel that I am asking too much… 

I want to work for a company I believe in, with genuine people and simply be paid enough to live and nothing more. I don’t want to live extravagantly, I don’t want pets…I’m even sacrificing the ability to travel. I would like to work and not worry about every time I put gas in my car, I would like to save $100 once in awhile, I don’t want to depend on anyone else at 25 years old. 

The palm reader said that April/May would be rougher than usual and he was right. I’m tired of living out of my car and bumming in other peoples homes. I want to have a place, get to know it and find people I love there. 

I loved Berkeley. I truly loved it. I found people so easily and things felt like they were falling into place. But this is insane…I need to be smart. 

I’m an adult and I need to work for a company who is willing to treat me like one. 

I’m equally as distressed about my Dad. I’ve never known a man who works so sacrificially for his family. It breaks my heart that people are treating him this way. 

Red eyes

Six houses – two unexpected

The winner was the one I was originally least excited about. I loved these boys. Friendly huggers wanting to build a family of blue grass music and hiking.

House 1: hills, picked me up from coffee shop, cracked out uncle Jim, nice actress and strict older guy… Unkempt house with too many hard drugs and too far away. They wanted me real bad. Haha

House 2: wins!! Ding ding!! Outdoor cat, roses, garden and friends

House 3: hippie commune… Totally overwhelming and dirty but newly renovated… I just don’t really think I appreciate people’s genius enough to hear them write poems about the word “salt”. Sublet

House 4: three cats two weird girls and one awesome boy!! I want to live with him but not the others. I actually went to a free concert on campus with him later on. He was bummed to hear that I was “allergic to cats”.

House 5: sublet from phd student named Lauren. Nice girl… Uninteresting roommates and a very old space. She would have let me use her bike and camping equipment too… Sigh but the truth is I would much rather hang out with her than her roommate that’s staying.

House six: last minute random addition… Two guys I was too tired to actually talk to. Good location – nice enough – weird small room… Would have been doable I imagine. Agh and they also have a cat?! What’s the deal with all these boys having cats?

I ran 4.5 miles this morning and continued to walk another 10-15 easily today. I have blisters everywhere.

Now I have sent the killer email I’ve been proposing with the reality of cost of living. 42,000 when they have offered me 32,000… Oh god I’m only trying to be realistic because I don’t think they actually know how expensive things are. I may have lost the job on that one… I’ve loved everything but I can’t lose money… It doesn’t make sense and I don’t live extravagantly.

But I really want to live in Berkeley now

Shiiiittt.

Sweet southern conflict

I shouldn’t have gone out with him. Tisk tisk lauren. Curiosity got the best of me and now I’ve got a situation in my hands.

It was fun at first… Texting all day everyday with someone who I had so much in common with. There was no pressure since he lived in Durham. He was funny, decent job, family oriented, athletic… What’s not to like? I just wanted to see if he existed. So…. Three weeks later my flight happens to leave from Raleigh.

Picks me up for a lovely dinner and we met joy and India for drinks. Midnight he walked me to my car and didn’t even try to kiss me goodnight. Was I grateful for that? Did I want him to kiss me? He knows I’m moving to California but I somehow managed to get him to pick me up from the airport…I sorta think this is wrong to do to someone…

I would push the chemistry thing if I was staying because on paper things line up. But I’m not. He opened all the doors and did all the “right” things. But is that someone I want? Someone who will do all the right things? Let me pick the restaurant and let me tell him where to go?

Tragically Australia isn’t known for safaris and I’m not known for my luck with men

First impressions

It’s surreal and I made it.

This isn’t an overwhelming sense of this is right but it’s certainly this isn’t wrong.

I so exhausted from hearing about how expensive things are here. It’s all I’ve ever heard. You got a job! Awesome! I hope it pays you enough to live out there…

My new coworker is funny. We get along splendidly although I’m not quite sure how um… How Competent she is, I think another person in the office would certainly be more motivation.

Housing one: got in a car with a young spastic uncle jim and his very nice roommate. Responsible dad character lives downstairs. Nice but a resounding no. I don’t really want hard drugs done in the house even if nobody gets sloppy… You have a kid and that’s not my experience but ten points for being honest.

Housing two: boys and breakfasts nooks… I’m not sure how clean they really are but I love them. I could walk to work and have friends on the weekends. They hugged me and asked me when my birthday is… Love love love. I don’t even really want to look anywhere else, but I will. I already feel bad about the subleasers.

Airbnb score. Comfiest bed of all Tyme.

That in between season

I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m losing all my freedom. I’m so excited for some new adventures, some new friends and even some new permanence. I also planned secretly on San Francisco but it’s all happened so quickly it can’t be reality… I’m weirdly not excited all the time. But I haven’t been excited about much of anything in a long time.

I’m losing my freedom and barely gaining a paycheck. I’m gaining job experience and time in a city I’ve always wanted to be close to. I don’t really think I’m sacrificing relationships… Everyone spread out regardless. I’m actually much closer to some of my people now… It’s easier for them to come visit.

It’s all so anticlimactic.

I was never the girl with some huge accomplishment. I always did well but I never really won in the end. I came in second, didn’t get the scholarship, got wait listed, didn’t get recruited, didn’t get the competitive job, didn’t get the boy…

But nonetheless I’ve succeeded and I always will. My life has been incredible, I’ve still taken risks, I’ve seen the world, I’ve loved and I’ve been loved by many. I really can’t ask for anything more.

I don’t always need to be the very best. I’m sure being at the tip top can be lonely. I’ve never ever felt deeply lonely.

Everything has aligned on this vague plan I had layed out for myself. I reread what I wrote in Norway at nanas house in her family garden. I wanted to be in a relationship, truly love, move abroad for just a couple years and continue all this internationalization. But I also wanted to move to the Bay, become a true hipster, raise kids in nc with my family and in a country for a couple years so they can have second language acquisition.

Nothing’s gone quite as planned but the goals are slowly being met… Everything has always worked out in it’s own backwards way.

Here I come San Francisco Bay. Please please be an adventure. Help me to learn how to balance responsibility and the urge to wander. Help me to find love in all it’s forms.

Nash trash

Night one. Broadway bars…

All Gary wanted was potatoes, I was convinced Nashville was like “apartheid” because of the black bathroom attendants, erick kept looking for his friend funnel cake, Alex was sad not to be a part of the Indian bridal party and nobody ended up with nipple piercings. In the end we survived the shots of fireball and never heard a bad band.

Sweet sweet wintin picked us up at 4am from the pita pit. We only repayed her in Lillies although turns out no one had ever bought her flowers before.

Nashville is the weirdest. A city of $8 terrible coffee and $6 incredible sushi. Portlandian style hipsters and deeply conservative Christians. Pop country dominates the scene and no black people are to be found in any tourist areas.

I was thinking I might could live there but I think Instead have ruled it out.

I have a new found love for my friend Alex who laughed with me for about 12 straight hours of driving, thank sweet baby Jesus.

Other highlights
Rachel
Tinder chase tips
Sushi Sam
Songwriters festival
Food allergies

Tinder my sweet