sweetnc

Some things need to be remembered forever…and some not so much

Month: March, 2014

Drunk Confessions on the floor of an isreali restaurant

Asheville Visits

unexpected guests

philip from hs makes guitars for semi famous people

Katherine is a raging (lying) bisexual with the most facsinating stories. 

but you want to know why I respect her, because she goes for it. She might not know what she wants in life but shes confident sexually and I admire that. 

Kelly is the funniest

My father is sheltered and I got in trouble for drinking ciders in public

Maybe I do want to stay in asheville sooner? 

 

Realizations and temptations and expectations

I’m scared because I see myself in her. I sit and eat with her, it’s easy. To nap and gossip, eat hibachi and nachos and ice cream. It’s easy to be unhealthy. It’s fun. I get so angry, so mad at myself for getting sucked in, being the enabler, not doing what I need to do. I worry for her.

My father is a saint. I’m convinced at this moment I will never find a man. I’m not sure what their relationship is actually like, but he never seems to resent my mom… Not with her weight, or her laziness. He’s just such a solid loving loving man. We have very different beliefs about life, politics and religion but in terms of who he is as a person… I’m proud to say I’ve never met a more solid example of a man.

And now… My fledgling search for an upstanding man to cuddle with in the short term continues. My belated New Years resolution is to be a little sluttier and loosen the reigns a bit. This for me is much easier said than done. My standards are high and I’ve always worn a tight right tight belt looped through my own insecurities.

It’s all started with my discovery of tinder and it’s hilarious depths. What have I learned?

1. The male species is desperately ugly
2. Girls must be desperately slutty if they fall for this shit
3. I must be more desperate for a rebound than I initially realized trolling through this mess and laughing hysterically

My favorite contestant has been FaceTime Nate who surprise of surprises went to bob jones! Jesus talk about sexually repressed. Agh! But we got along so well!

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Return again

I’m back. Again it’s the same. It’s like I never left. Except everyone seems unhappier.

Everyone with the big kid job doesn’t really like it. Hardly anyone from my masters program actually has jobs… Or jobs they are passionate about.

I had several important realizations while being away. Not the least of which was that talking to world travelers and seekers, at some point you give up personal relationship as part of that lifestyle. But you still need some kind of support system. It’s a tricky balance which most can’t sustain but the few who do totally end up cutting ties with family and friends. Or they had a really fucked up situation to begin with.

I know I am a wanderer, but I’m not the only one… Thousands want this. Thousands understand my perspective but many are willing to give up more. I will need a place to call home… I want kids one day… I want to be in love with someone I can depend on. I don’t want to float forever or live pay check to pay check.

I need some sense of stability.

But I do want to feel free,
I want to have the ability to explore.

I love South Africa more than anywhere else I’ve ever been. I can’t explain it but it’s beauty is unlike anything else I have ever experienced. It’s pain is unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced. But I don’t have people there and I wholeheartedly believe that people can make a place.

At this moment there is nobody in my life that I fully identify with. There is no group where I really feel both accepted and where I love them in return. Raleigh was good but the fun was forced. The group I had was by default not because I chose them.

Maybe friends usually come by default? But this scares me because they so shape who you are as a person.

Wilmington, Asheville, Raleigh, Cape Town… Places I’ve lived and places where I no longer have people. My people are all over the world now. Anna taught me how important it is to make an effort and maintain the few winners… I also believe you reflect those who you surround yourself by and I really hadn’t chose very inspiring people.

So little in life is planned, but the few choices we do make are so freaking important that it’s easy to get overwhelmed.

Here I am again, not having answers and not particularly wanting to make decisions. Wanting to be an adult and do adult things but not wanting to accept mediocrity.

I should be excited but I’m not.