You are only as free as you decide to be

I’m getting on another plane. I need to remember that every time I get scared. Every time I cry through security. This is normal. Every time my mom hugs me a little to tight. Every time I send sappy text messages.

Except this time there is no return ticket.

Anna came. Anna is a miracle. So resourceful and so freaking capable. She fixes motorcycles and is a landscape foreman. I want her in my life… All the time.

She taught me that you can’t plan life. You can’t even really plan a day all that well. I think that’s a good lesson to realize in preparation for a place that I know won’t work within my reasoning.

He can now tell me that he loves me. He doesn’t hesitate although his eyes always look sad. He called everyday for two weeks before I left, like he had some kind of epiphany that I’m actually leaving. Yeah I’m going- I’ve been going- and I’ve been so frustrated that you didn’t relish in it like I have. Saying goodbye was fucking tragic. Neither of us slept. He laid beside me while I cried and he cried. He came back inside twice to kiss me while I laid in his giant bed. Neither of us said anything other than I love you before he left for work.

Thank god Anna was there to help me eat my emotions.

I’m impatient with myself

If the next week and a half is anything like this weekend I won’t have enough time or energy to actually realize he scared I am of going to India and how unprepared I am.

Coffee with Unca. Awesome lady. Connection connection.

Dinner and drinks with Julie. Oddly exhausting. For being my oldest friend, we have turned out to have so very much in common. I respect her so freakin much.

Weekend with Peru crew out in waynesville. Exhausting. I couldn’t keep the charm amped up for so long. I felt like an ass hole when la zoom wasn’t actually booked. We proceeded to stay downtown and drink for 12 hours. I dd’d and it was one of the rougher dd nights ever. Simone was so great and supportive. Freakin mature, which is so refreshing. I guess at 34 he should be.

It’s probably good to know in advance how frustrated I get about plans. Plans not working out. Navigating a large group with multiple interests. Terrible.

Really though, good quirky people and a lot of love.

Short hike this morning and a spaghetti lunch.

My body hurts

I realized I don’t know Asheville as well as I pretend. I’m proud of it but not fairly. I like to gain the cool points from being a local but I often fail on the follow through.

It so clearly not where I’m meant to be right now and I’m starting to question if its really a place where I am meant to be.

However, Simone helped reinforce that a place is the people who are there. They influence the personality of a place- you can never replace those genuine connections. You can never replace a person. I struggle because I don’t love a lot of people- I like many many- dislike few but love even less. These that I love need to be accessible. This I have decided is important to me.

500 days of insufferablility

Autumn really?

Dad said it was the stupidest movie he had ever seen.

I watched it after we talked about him coming to South Africa. I don’t want to accept it but I don’t think he is coming. He doesn’t want to upset or disappoint me. But if he isnt wholehearted he should just tell me. I ask for an honest answer and I don’t get it, but I know. Everytime I’ve known.

“Take a look back and remember what wasn’t good… You are only remembering the good.”

It’s been so good. So much good. But I shouldn’t have done that if I expected this to last. Now I know the answers. The gaps have been filled in. I couldn’t do this even if I stayed.

I must remember
All the times I waited for a call. All the times I waited for a text message. All the times he worked through the only free time we had together. When he didn’t want me to go to bonaroo, when he would hide his plans. His priorities were before mine. How he wanted me to go to strip clubs and do things with other girls- all in jest but still real. When he left me out- his ugly neck hat, zip off shorts and foot shoes. How he never felt real unless he was right beside me, it’s like I made him up. I couldn’t feel him probably because he wasn’t ever thinking of me.

I can’t make him love me the way that I love him. I read an article that talked about how birth control has been traced in women developing feelings for men they normally wouldn’t have. Men who can provide more especially. I’m gonna blame this. For god sakes he loves country music and was the fucking president of his fraternity. This time last year I wouldn’t have given his kind the time of day. Yuppies who own boats and smoke weed because they have more money than they know how to appropriately allocate.

My priorities changed. I don’t know what the next steps are.

I think I knew from the beginning that this would be difficult. But what I really truly want is for them to be as difficult for him as they will be for me.

Convenient

In the back seat of the taxi I told him that I think he has only been dating me out of convenience. He was devastated far more than I ever anticipated. He was shocked and repeated over and over that it makes him sad. he said earnestly that he loved me. I told him I needed to hear that when he’s sober. He stopped drinking, had his eyes on me all night. We all had a ball.

The work friends were fabulous and made me want to live in Charlotte. Coolest apt ever with a bar/brunch spot right beside it. So dangerous.

As we drive to the game he said. I’m still sad about what you said last night, I love you. He did look very sad. I could feel his distress was genuine.

My fear is that he felt pressure to say it. I think it was real but I would have liked for him to say it on his own- when he felt I needed to know.

I could see it in his eyes he left. Sad and unsure.

I know I have hidden my emotions from him. There is no way that he should actually know how his inability to vocalize his thoughts and feelings has hurt me. I have hidden it until I snap and say something like this. I’ve complicated things. I’m the one who snooped. I’m the one who acts like I’m tough. But what else am I to do when I’m forced to fill in the gaps.

I’m learning so much about myself and I only continue to have more questions than answers.

Your crazy doesn’t come out until you fall in love…or something like that

I was right all along

I made a mistake

Sams Mom is beyond wise. 

“If you bring it to them, they will never come and get it”

“Noone ever thinks they are crazy until they find themselves in love”

I never thought I would do these things. I knew it was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have read that book- I shouldn’t have read that afterwards. If I learned anything today its not to put anything in writing. But here I am having to process and write it out. 

I have been convenient. Mediocre in bed- not quite smart enough. I don’t think he has cheated on me but he has definitely considered and gone out of his way to try to make it happen. My blood is boiling. I can feel my overreaction. Because really for the most part I wasn’t mentioned- and it wasn’t bad. Seems to genuinely enjoy my company and likes my blue eyes. 

But what hurts the most is I have simply been convenient. Nothing special. Easily replaced. 

He plans to find a new Raleigh girl once I leave- or he did back in May. 

I never want to date another frat boy- and I need to acknowledge the warning signs of having so many close girl friends. Thats weird as shit. 

Its partially my fault, I didn’t know what I wanted. Its certainly not all been bad but I have failed to communicate. 

I was right that he doesn’t love me. I don’t feel like a fool because I’ve known all along and tried so hard not to accept it. 

Part of me wants to just leave and not spend the weekend…but I’ll be miserable at home doing nothing. I’ve defiantly got it bad.   I’m going to curl my hair- pack my bags and reread some of this India stuff and then see how I feel. I think the wisest choice I ever could have made was to get the hell out of dodge before I really got hurt. He is kind of a giant dick. So unbelievably selfish. 

Maybe I can rearrange my plans and ghost him. Anna and I don’t have to go to the beach. We can stay in Asheville and it would be far easier. 

He was bored- found a girl he could tolerate and have sex with- and did. It meant nothing more. In his plan I am inconsequential. That was my plan originally I guess…I just couldn’t stick it out. 

If I wasn’t leaving we would have to break up. In fact, we probably already would have. The driving has been alot and actually really silly. There is no future here with this boy. 

I might have to keep saying that to myself but I am starting the process to understanding that. 

 

The wild whites of West Virginia

I got him all to myself for three full days

My assignment was to book a trip Labor Day weekend with the parameters of the color blue, the song if your happy and you know it clap your hands and the animal Siberian tiger.

The only logical option was to book a raft trip in West Virginia

There were a thousand snafus. The weather was predicted to majorly suck. There was nowhere within a 45 mile radius to stay and I had no effin parameters. But I was given a credit card.

We left almost three hours late (“forgot my charger”) and didn’t get to beckley until almost midnight. The cold room made for epic cuddling and sleeping.

We hiked the rim of new river gorge, ate lunch in a church and went for a swim in the pool. Dinner and drinks led to our fellow campers questioning our whereabouts. Rafting 4 ft high- bee sting- front seats- swam through rapids- scary lady guides – naps- fancy dinner and romantic fires- eating in Greensboro- steps into deserted cole mine- sore dirty bodies

“They must think we are rabbits”
“Waking up with my gym shorts on”
“Virginia is for lovers”

What was really nice is that I finally realized how comfortable I am around him. It’s so funny to go through relationship stages. For so long I struggled (and probably still do) to admit that I am in one. It doesn’t feel real- most of the time he doesn’t seem real. My life hasn’t really changed all that drastically. I just usually have plans-ish. But I was so afraid to do or say the wrong thing- not at all to be myself but more that I was very conscious of my actions. I noticed every little movement I made and how he reacted to it. It was a little stressful.

Concrete example: I couldn’t ever sleep through the night with him in my bed. It was like a weird pressure. Is he asleep yet? Am I moving too much? I don’t want to wake him. It’s so hot! Now I will straight up drool all over his chest and roll over to sleep another nine hours.

I don’t worry if I smell, or wear makeup or do my nails. Sure I want to look nice for him but he’s kinda seen it all. He’s seen me puke although he’s never seen me cry.

It also hit me how weird it is that we have a little history. We know aloooot of the same people and relate to similar experiences. If not, we’ve told enough life stories to get the context.

It was beyond great. It felt like only the two of us really existed. Being in that present moment was all that mattered. Just being. Just soaking in time with someone who gets you and appreciates you. I’m weirdly comfortable with him still not saying it. I’m officially going to be shocked if he does- wouldn’t surprise me if he didn’t. It makes me a little sad that he doesn’t try as hard anymore- he never got my anything for my birthday- never has actually told me how he feels- he obviously doesn’t need to impress me anymore and I’m sure I’m the same way.

Woman I’ll slit your throat if you keep makin those slimy sloppy eggs