Porch Boys

That “B” word still baffles me. I have a what? A boyfriend? noooo

but tonight it actually felt like it. 

Susan has all these boys she is interested in. We sat on her porch and she went on and on. They sounded wonderful, tall, bearded and banjo playing. I realized that already that excitement I felt is gone. I know all those answers. We know our dislikes, like, values…have a bit of shared experience even now. 8 months. 8 whole months. Did that time actually pass?Being in a relationship I have essentially felt the exact same. The same! Except I always have plans on the weekends, when I go out I’m not there for the sole purpose of attention from men. I mean don’t get me wrong…I enjoy it but there is less pressure. Part of me misses the hope that went along with the pressure…but at the same time its wonderful without it. There is less discovery between us now but I also realized how hard it would/will be to do it all over again. She was finding out all the things she likes about these boys. I already know exactly what I like about him. But at the same time it sounded like so much fun!! The possibility. The possibility they may like you, that they may choose you. That they will make you feel special. This cute tall bearded boy who plays the banjo may want to kiss you. 

She yelled at the boys in the street and they came up to chat. They were not all that interesting, besides the one on house arrest with an ankle bracelet. I realized quickly that I wasn’t offended that they weren’t into me. It was weird. It was competitive anymore. I mean…it was…I wanted them to be interested but I knew there was no point. I was overly content to not have to deal with it. And wrongly harshly judged susan for her inability to handle the situation she got herself into. 

She is intense. Which makes her chat about these boys see fleeting. 

This being said. Part of me doesn’t feel ready for a serious committed relationship, was I ever and then I just found myself in one? Its scary to think of being with only one person forever. There are so many cool boys out there. But oh my god…not to have to deal with all that uncertainty anymore. Would be lovelyyyy. I get it now. Jesus I get it. 

Six second hugs

I’m at peace with this.

I understand I love more

And likely, I’ve learned more

I know this is for the best- ill move on

I have to trust there is more or that he will grow

Part of me wants to fight and defend what I know, but he knows what he feels. If it was real, he would tell me. If he knew he would tell me. My intention is to soak up as much of this love as I can before I go. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone as much as you can. There’s no reason to hold back now. Just because he’s not in love with me doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me at all.

This I accept. I’m not thrilled with the results but I understand and accept them and that’s all I can do.

I can soak in the sun and get burned or I can prepare and put sunscreen on. I want to get a tan maybe even burn a little, but ultimately I know if I burn a little I will probably peel. Peeling is annoying and may even hurt a little but always feels so good. It feels good for the burned skin to come off… And eventually I will be just as pale as I was before. But next time I will know that I need to reapply sunscreen.

In order to release bonding chemicals you need to hug at least six seconds. I get weird at 3.

24

I read an article yesterday that said if you want to have two healthy children before the autistic sentence of 35 you need to meet the person you are going to marry by 24.

Uhhh what.

I spent my birthday with the sweetest and most insightful and the craziest boys I know. Emerson likes it when I call him cousin Emerson. Brownies and ice cream for breakfast. We went rafting in the rain. I got beers and shrimp with scott learned about family lore, raising kids and insight into childhood. Swimming and surfing in the sunshine….Sam came for dinner. Grouper and goat cheese salad. It really was lovely. Avi sent sunflowers and a cute note….

The turtles hatched. Here on our last night. We almost missed them all. I feel like this is a a sickly fitting and silly metaphor for this moment in my existence. All these random people gathered around waiting to see what’s going to happen. The sand shifts a little and more people come. But there are a few dedicated who really care… They know the drill and all they want is to guide these babies to safety. Some have red lights and mark the babies from behind but there is a beacon light out in the ocean to guide the babies- their goal is to get to the light but they can only go on instinct. There’s all these people rooting for their little fledgling lives but they have no idea- they are forced to compete- forced to make it on their own- forced to build up their strength through this horrendous climb into the ocean and all the while they have no idea that so much provision has been made for them. So many people have paved the way for weeks waiting to see them be successful. Weeks they guarded the nest waiting for the night the babies would take it upon themselves to realize their place in the world. The saddest part is that most of them won’t return. One on 50000 or some crazy number actually return to lay eggs.

What if I don’t make it? What if all this provision has been made for me and I still can’t survive on my own?

Last night Emerson kissed me on the lips and said that he loved me. This was a simple and ideal day.

When they can’t say I love you

I known him for 9 months, we’ve been dating for 8, officially for about 6.

It’s not too soon. I’ve known exactly how I feel since February. Do I feel bad for saying it? No. But do I miss the feeling of not knowing and hoping…yes.

He didn’t say it back. It’s so fucking illogical why he can’t say anything ever. He has to love me- otherwise none of this makes sense. None of it.

How can he look at me like that everyday? Get to know my family? Seem genuine about my hopes and fears? How can he hold my hand all night every night if he doesn’t care?

But I know I need to back off. I refuse to love someone who either doesn’t love me or won’t tell me.

I miss the not knowing part. I know now and i know what we are gonna do and i know this sucks.

This is what it feels like to be the one who loves more. I’ve been dating an emotional retard. This has been a long time coming… And now I need to make some serious decisions about how I need to be.

Thank god I am leaving.

Darling

In the car he called Harper “darling.” He said, “no I’m not a darling, I’m not a girl! Cousin Lauren is a darling!” Emerson goes “yeah, darling is a girl who is in love!”

So much young insight.

I only get hit on by brown boys and slow kids

Highschool kid at the YMCA runs over to me when I get up from the leg machine. “Do you play sports” “do I play sports?” “Yeah do you play sports?” “Yeah well I swam in college, do you play sports” “yeah I run track. So your like a good swimmer?” “Uh well, I swam in college so..” “Oh so you can swim in the deep end, like 8 feet.” “Um… Yup” “well I would keep talking to you but I’m working out right now (wasn’t) can I have your phone number?” “Sure…” And I give him my real name and phone number and think nothing of it other than a funny story until he calls while I’m out with Avi and again tonight.

I only get blatantly hit on by brown boys or slow kids… I’m afraid he’s both.

I still think I’m being punked

Time to process

Three nights following one of the first emotional breakdowns I have ever had.

Night one. To process. The brightest insight was that I am uneasy of this because there is no safety when I return and I feel so very alone in this process. Being an adult sucks a lot but everyone figures it out. I appreciate her wisdom and praise I don’t deserve. What are friends for other than to cook you dinner and tell you that you actually aren’t being ridiculous?? She was also having a very entertaining saga with a boy who stood her up on a couple dates- love me some drama to take my mind off things.

Night two. Begins with floor sex and Pricey dinner with the man. The highlights being chatty with wine, ice cream and coffee. Fancy cocktails quickly turned into silliness and the worst drink ever out of a boot. Atleast we stole the dancing show and atleast Dudley came out to dance at the very end. I have never been so sober at a city limits and I hope never to be again. Weird people and kind of a weird night.

Night three. Follows an incredible day with the three cutest boys I know. There was so much love and laughter all day. “Cousin Lauren?? Did you know thy dinosaurs are extinct!!” Avi will be the most incredible father one day. Woooosh. We went to dinner at Mitch’s and things got about as real as they have yet. No L words but gosh he tries to show me. We joked about it all which is more than normal…we agreed to not talk about it until I buy flights. I told him i he ever decides to have feelings i would love to know about them. i told him about how I felt when we first kissed. How I knew that I was totally screwed. Apparently I had simply told him that he was a good kisser- which doesn’t surprise me at all.

I still didn’t tell him I love him- I’ve struggled for weeks now. But I’m suddenly at peace because he knows how I feel and he knows I can’t say it because of his inability to produce feelings. But gosh- I he tried so hard tonight to show me, so real.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gjwofYhUJEM&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgjwofYhUJEM

80s bars an foreign men

Last night was so great. At first I was livid when avi bailed… But we ended up having a blast! I was even the DD… Say what?! Good think I’ve been pregaming with backstreet pandora all week because I convinced this big group f boy to go to the 90s bar. Awesome. They called me Barbie. Troy says innapropriate things after one glass of wine. Mad girl crush on an Asian Argentinian who was born in salta. What. Simone and wasted girl dancing so awkwardly! I love erick. I love his French friend. Good vibes-

Gooooooood vibes