sweetnc

Some things need to be remembered forever…and some not so much

Month: May, 2013

Goruck

After a pitcher of mojitos I was convinced to walk to the Capitol with K to meet her race people. One had a kilt. One had multiple personalities. I knew it was time for me to leave when we took off sprinting down the street with beers in our hands. In my chacos and full of BBQ belly I found out the first stop was in three miles. Hecckkkk naw. I peaced an said have fun y’all. If I continue I will throw up and be I won’t make it to church in the morning.

Fam

I always love meeting people’s families. It always explains so much.

Friendlier than I could have ever imagined. Kind eyes. His father has smile lines to his ears and tells stories until you literally can no longer listen. Wanted to swap adventure stories all day and tell me everything about the family. They seemed genuinely thrilled to meet me…didn’t seem to care much that I’m not Jewish. They seemed happy that he is dating anyone at all. They invited me to CT and kissed me goodbye. He was quieter than I have ever seen him. Dominated by all the strong personalities.

The similarities still spook me.

Today at church Emerson and Harper wanted to go to big church and sot with me instead of going to the kids church. It was a struggle. They were a mess but I love them so so much.

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This day last year

I left for three life changing months in Europe… I forgot I learned so much. In my journal I specifically lament in not knowing more about Judaism and not having seen top gun. I am now dating a super Jew whose favorite movie is too gun.

I also laid out a vague plan… It involved meeting someone and getting a job abroad. I’ve got step one but not two…

Last summer was incredible. It scares me how quickly forgot how impactful it was. Two short years ago I was coaching through the summer…how different everything is now…

Belly laughs

I’m so grateful for friends who will eat ice cream and cry with me for hours followed by belly laughs and nachos

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Avett

At Avett it rained. We danced. He got the entire bus to sing lean on me, followed by Bohemian Rhapsody. We found a late night authentic chinese place. I can’t tell you what we ate-but it was magic. 

real life six degrees of separation

We were at a beer festival in Atlanta.

I returned from the bathroom to see my friends talking to a little cute blonde girl. I knew her. I knew her face. I knew exactly who she was although we had never met in person. I said, “I know this is weird but is your name Mollie?”

This girl has been living with my best friend Rachel in Nashville for the past two years. We have a mutual best friend and know all about eachother but never were able to meet.

Check out this scenario.

Avi’s best friends girlfriend works with Mollies sisters husband. This is why she is in Atlanta (visiting her sister) and we were staying with Avi’s best friends girlfriend who lives in Atlanta…this is why they were talking at the beer festival.

It is the smallest of worlds.

This is what I was afraid of.

I just spent 45 minutes typing out my feelings on my cell phone and it got deleted. One press of a button and fuck. But its kind of a sick metaphor for all my mashed up feelings right now. 

This morning when he left for work he knew something was wrong. I was quiet and the kiss was weird. I wasn’t going to cry. I couldn’t explain it if I had. But what if this is it. I’m so scared. I’m scared of my feelings. I’m scared that was the last time we will really kiss. I’m scared that he can’t seem to tell me how he feels.  

This was another incredible weekend. Lot of drinking, lots of love, lots of food, lots of laughs. We talked in the car the whole way home about our beliefs, god, life and society. All the things I have been dying to really know about him. We agree about so much it scares me. Really all of this scares me. He met my whole family last weekend. I met his best friend this weekend and his parents next. Neither of us have brought people home before or really know how to do this whole relationship thing. The timing has been such that we have started to integrate. I move out next week while he is out of town and my plans fail to exists. Last night really might have been it. 

As we laid down I asked him to tell me about his thoughts. He said, “I make it a point in life not to have to many thoughts.” So, then I asked him what his feelings were. After a pause he said, “I feel good.”

This seems like a typical boy response but he isn’t a typical boy. He has thoughts and opinions on everything. I told him not to be shy, I want him to comfortable expressing his feelings but I didn’t get a response. I so badly needed a response. I needed him to tell me that he loved me and that we would work it out somehow. Instead, he told me to take advantage of my opportunities and do whats best for me. I told him that I appreciated this, and I do. I also asked him what would happen if I do have to leave for the summer. He told me not to jump to hypotheticals- we would deal with it when we get there. I think this is fair but its really painful. The only options in my life right now are hypotheticals. 

He is an in the moment person and I love that about him. This means that when I am here I get his undivided attention. He wants what is best for me. I know this is true. But he also doesn’t want the pressure of telling me to stay- his plan is to leave for three years in February. I am not part of this plan. If I stay- he becomes more obligated to stay and I understand this but I also don’t want to be at fault for jeopardizing everything. I told him that I didn’t want to fuck it up. 

He told his friend Natalie this weekend that we haven’t talked about these things because he doesn’t want to screw it up. But the whole time we haven’t talked about things. We never discussed definitions or exclusivity—things just developed. 

I love him but I am so afraid that this love is disproportional. I have told him that I care- that I am trying to stay but that I feel bad I can’t make a plan. He said, above all I shouldn’t feel bad. but most of all I feel bad that he can’t tell me how he feels. 

Last night I couldn’t touch him. It was slow and intentional. But what is thats the last time we do that? I couldn’t sleep and I don’t think he did either. My one dream was that I was trying to get into a stadium infested by snakes. The snakes jumped around with lightning speed all over the walls and all over me. I cried out but nobody would help. Nobody else could see the snakes. 

Holy crap I have a masters

This weekend was a blur…

Dinner with the family at Hayes Barton, shopping with the aunts, short and sweet graduation with only a few awkward hugs and pictures. Rachel hung out all day after driving all the way to also see Sam graduate… Such a champ. Twelve bones BBQ at the battens, erick Peru came and still continues to be one of my favorite people, cara and Vernon, joy and my family. Small and nice…

I love Emerson and Harper, my baby cousins so much. I told Emerson as I was leaving that he needed to always stay small enough so that I can pick him up. He looked at me with a confused face and said “well, I’ll just pick you up!” He also asked Avi if he was my boyfriend, when he said yes he said “I’m gonna punch you in the face.” He also told me unprompted that if I kissed him, he would puke. I was beat by a five year old at cornhole. Deng.

I had planned to make breakfast for my mom and the aunts for Mother’s Day. However, we also wanted to go out that night and didn’t know how it all would happen. This turned into dinner being cooked for us the next morning. We brought flowers and strawberries…I was told by Emerson that I make the best strawberries in the whole world. 🙂

I don’t know about the parents but the extended family loved him. I knew they would but it was extreme. Text messages from family members who weren’t even there with excitement of the news, not that I have a masters degree but that I’m dating a nice boy. My dad might be upset that he’s Jewish but nobody else is…

We did spend some time just with the parents, it was nice… A little weird but nice. Everyone knows he spent the night but at least it wasn’t discussed. My mom even told everyone that we operate on the “don’t ask, don’t tell policy.”

I wish Avi and I could really talk about things but we can’t. We can’t and it’s all my fault. I know this and he is wonderful for not putting any pressure on me. In the card he asked me not to run away too far…that’s the only thing he has ever said about me staying. We connect unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I literally know what he’s thinking before he says it, it’s bazaar and I know he does the same sometimes.

I wanted to tell him but for some reason I couldn’t. I’ll never forgot the first time we kissed. Outside the club at solace. I had never been kissed like that. I felt it through my whole body. We were both drunk and my internal reaction was “shit, this kid knows what he is doing” and he did… It’s taken me this long to realize that even if someone does know what they are doing, you won’t feel it unless there is a connection. I have kissed many boys at clubs in my time (even though I prolly shouldn’t write that on the Internet) and never had I felt anything like that. I still feel it. And it scares the shit out of me.

Even though he was asked about it, he was smart and didn’t mention joining the army. I know he has a plan that doesn’t involve me and as an independent woman who also doesn’t make plans around a man, this makes my planning a little more difficult.

Today is the first day without an income and without prospects. Now is when I need something to fall into place. I slept until 11 and talked on the phone for an hour. I haven’t really left my bed. It’s incredibly beautiful outside but I think I might take an emotional recovery day.

It’s always beautiful weather when you have to leave a place

It’s rained for two weeks straight. Today, the last day at nc state it was too pretty to sit inside. Two years or work and class and personality building. Everyone was nice and thoughtful and genuine.

I wish transition was easier but I also don’t think the rewards would be as great if things didn’t always feel so bittersweet.

But ten points for not crying.

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