In my recent state of panicking about the future I had a moment of clarity on this nasty rainy day.
Here is what I know about myself.
1. I am a planner. I am comforted by the thought of a plan. This is why I am stressed when there is no reason to be stressed. This is why I like ice cream. I know how ice cream will taste. This is why I like my best friends, I know how they will react when I act like an idiot.
2. I am a wanderer. I don’t feel comfortable in one place for too long. I quickly become restless if I don’t experience something foreign every once in a while. This can come in little bits of adventure (trying a new drink or restaurant) or in big epic long journeys away from home.
3. I love my current job because I inspire other to take advantage of their opportunities. Essentially, I tell them that traveling is AWESOME. The days I don’t like my job I sit and answer e-mails and apply for other jobs all day. I don’t want to acquire a desk butt.
4. I like Raleigh, but I don’t love Raleigh. I have people in Raleigh but most of people are so spread out that making decisions around friend groups is totally irrelevant Also, I’m pretty friendly in general. Not an issue, but a valid option.
5. I’m not in crazy debt. This is not to say I have money to spend- but I am not in a place that necessitates permanence because of finances.
6. I don’t own…anything. I plan on getting rid of most of my furniture and stuff when I move out anyway because my current home looks like an episode of animal house.
7. I don’t ever want to move back in with my parents. Chill for a couple weeks…sure but live…nien.
8. I have to move out of my house by the end of May.
I had lunch with my favorite cousin. He is a big kid with adorable children, a proper job, makes good money, has good connections, is resourceful, crazy fun but TOTALLY gets my sense of wander. He gets it! We talked for an hour about traveling the world by freight and going across the US by train. He has regrets about not traveling enough but also experienced ALOT when he was young. He has a very realistic perspective on life. And a healthy sense of jealousy for my current state of freedom but wouldn’t ever want to trade because of the vulnerability. What is wrong with me trying to make plans around a boy whom I barely even know? I’ve always promised myself I would never be that girl. I am an independent young woman and I want to be with someone who loves this about me. Yeah, sure I want to see him all the time. But I’m not going to move where he is now anyways-he lives in a shit hole part of NC. So, he can figure his shit out around me.
Here is in lies my issue:
I am blessed with the lack of any plan but burdened by the lack of parameters.
Here in lies my ever changing never permanent sense of all comforting plan:
Unless I find a job that I feel comfortable with before May…I will sell most of my belongings and leave the rest in a storage container. I will pack a few suitcases of necessities and my favorite clothes. These suitcases will hold clothing for literally every destination possible. I will then have a wonderfully introspective summer. I will spend a week or two with the parents, spend a week or two watching my cousins kids when they aren’t at camp, I will spend a week or two adventuring with Anniina, I will spend a week or two crashing on Sams couch at the beach tanning and running with her dog. I will get fit. I will be introspective. I will read. I will learn to play this guitar that has been sitting at the end of my bed. I will learn to really value the people in my life. I will continually apply for jobs.
My ideal long term plan involves finding a job that provides me enough flexibility to have a healthy sense of wander and responsibility. Maybe after a few years of this I will take a year off to properly wander. Maybe after a period of this I will find someone I like well enough to stop wandering. Maybe I will have a family that I can raise to wander from the base of my mountains. Maybe we will be multi-ethnic jolii-pitt babies. Who flipping knows.
but now atleast I have a plan.