Some things need to be remembered forever…and some not so much

Month: April, 2013

I love Scott

I do. I love my cousin Scott. He is my family soul mate. He gets it. I feel like he is my spirit guide. I wish I could stay in Raleigh just so I could continue to have a member of my family who I can be honest with. He gets me, gets y wanderlust but is at the future point in his life where is he successful with his own kids. I love those boys. They are a mess. We figured out that we are the same age difference between me and his boys as between me and Scott. I hope I can one day be their spiritual guide and give them money and free booze and tell them about good music coming into town and tell them that life works out in the end.

I only saw him a few times but I’m so grateful that I have another compatriot in whatever this mess is I have found myself in.

Thanks Scott.

Why I couldn’t finish my grocery shopping

It was a new store and I was running late, so I was already flustered.

I was in the cake isle and had just hung up with my mom because I couldn’t find corn syrup. How often do you actually need corn syrup… Pretty much never I was hoping there was a replacement.

All the sudden right beside me stands this very attractive light skinned black man. White white white teeth with a little gap in between.

“You are unbelievably sexy”

Well, that caught me so off guard that I looked up and genuinely said… “Omg thanks you so much.” We talked for awhile, I got his number, turns out he is Nigerian and he wanted to have sex with me that night after I was done going out with my friends. I only feel a little guilty that I never told him the cake was actually for my boyfriend. That would have been far too smart. Instead before he left I managed to tell him,

“Gosh, people should do this more often.”

And after another 45mim at the grocery I never found the corn syrup and I was really really late.


Thank god she hung up when she started unbuttoning his pants.




A normally miserable day overshadowed by so much birthday love

Well, it looks like I have an actual real life boyfriend. He had a birthday this weekend, I successfully made an awesome cake, we got drunk and danced.

I was his birthday plans.

Sunday was a music festival in the pouring freezing rain. Since I am brilliant, I wore flip flops and a sun dress. This meant I shook from mild hypothermia for 4 to 6 hours. Happy dang birthday. But I did teach him to square dance, so that made up for it a little. I quote, “well this will be something we laugh about later.” I could only recall Nanna in Botswana telling me…”this reminds me of the time I got sick for a week on a boat in the North Sea..”

On the way home he drove through the storm and we sang John Mayer with warm pho in our bellies.

He was on the phone with his friend who I overheard asking about me. He said, “is she like your girlfriend or are we not talking about this.” And he replied with a nudge, “yeah I guess you could call her that.”

He is officially introducing me as his girlfriend in social situations. Whoa, I haven’t used the bf word since high school and it feels weird! Joy when ahead and bit the awkward bullet by referring to me all day only as Avis girlfriend and trying to spoon with us all night. I finally kicked her out of y bed at two am…crazy lady.

On a lamer note we also had multiple uncomfortable situations about his plan to join the Israeli armed forces for the next three years. This literally makes me nauseous. I can’t seem to form logical sentences in regards to it… I only feel sick and stop talking. This won’t happen until next year…but what if I’m not sick of this boy by then? Then what will I do? And of all fucking military’s!!! Isreal??!


Flowers are my favorite

On his way back from the airport he brought Katherine balloons and sun flowers for her birthday. He brought me a dozen roses and Lauren white daisies so she wouldn’t feel left out. Who is this incredible boy and what the fuck am I gonna do?

Meet the fam

This weekend was incredible.

Three very separate and very intentional meetings took place. I was introduced to specific people for specific reasons which better explain why the people in my life are the way that they are.

Encounter number one involved my special super Jew. The interesting part of this first meeting of the family is that I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t know if they knew about me, I didn’t know if they even knew I was coming. Turns out not only did they know about me but it felt a whole like an awkward official lets meet the family. Luckily it was only his sister, her husband and two sons. Unluckily they only speak in Hebrew. That was an experience I had never had in my own country. Two year old boys staring at me trying to figure out why in the world I can’t speak Hebrew. But those little boys really love him. I didn’t think they liked me all that well until I left and got a big bear hug from edan. I’m sure that me not being Jewish is a huge issue but they were very kind and seemed genuinely pleased to meet me. My boy was quiet and a little awkward, hopefully meaning he hasn’t brought many girls home. We babysat the boys during the evening, played trivial pursuit and cuddled during the thunderstorm. It was a little sliced up magic of a weird day 24 hours.

Encounter number two. I met my friend Sams new boyfriend Dudley. His name is actually Dudley. He is an actual ginger. He is an actual country gentlemen who can socialize!! Ten points for Sam, both for dating a boy who can actually talk to her friends and for eating frog legs. I can now say I have been to Burgaw, NC and I will never have to go back.

Encounter three. We went to see katherines family and after two long years in her hometown of snow hill NC. Which ironically has no hills and no snow. This explained so much. Her independence, her ability to fix anything, her quirks. Her home was beautiful and old southern charming. Her grandma was runner up miss America and was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. We rode their horses, fed the ducks, napped on the dock and ate a big birthday meal. Complete with pimento cheese, cole slaw, cheese biscuits and chocolate cake. Her grandma ‘ma Mel’ really liked me because apparently I look like her old friend bobby joe except with blonde hair, so we clicked immediately. I will never be that classy of an 85 year old. I enjoy food way too much. However, I hope I still have the gumption to compliment everyone and speak my mind in a southern drawl when I’m 85.

We also had a cookout at the house for Katherine’s birthday. As a group we decided that we are actually in love with erick. Troy actually has a body hair problem. I’m not adept at day drinking. Katherine is no doubt bi sexual. Shakira is incredible. Lauren falls down alot. We need a dog and I’m gonna cry my eyes out when we have to move out.

What song is that?

This weekend was lovely.

I like to see him during the week… Otherwise it feels like I’m making all this up.

I like how he won’t let me win, he is competitive enough to really let me have it and get equally pissed if I beat him at something. We went sea kayaking and chased dolphins. We flipped and crashed in the waves. He met best friend Nate who told him that if he wasn’t careful with me he would slit his throat. Haha he has been warned. I like how he helps his friends and still allows me to be independent. I like how he taps the beat of my heart on my side before we fall asleep…

I like him best when it’s only the two of us.

Today I taught an undergraduate class

Boom. Now I’m going to put “led an undergraduate student workshop and panel on developing intercultural competency.” BAM

What kind of boat is a friendship?

My roommate Katherine has been in a funk for the past year. This time last year she was in love, graduating college and looking forward to a summer of figuring out what to do with her life.

I went to her graduation, celebrated with her family, dealt with her boisterous boyfriend and loved her for all of this newness in her life.

At this point she still hasn’t figured it out. Her ex-boyfriend is seeing someone else and after her declaration of love, has now made it clear that they shouldn’t talk anymore. She is in the same restaurant job that she hates. She basically has no idea what she wants out of life.

She is in a rough spot and I get it. Who wouldn’t be frustrated.

We now find ourselves in reverse situations. This has translate into her subconsciously literally not caring at all about what happens in my life. Its not tense in the house but We rarely speak and she has made it clear that she doesn’t like my man friend. This is totally inexplicable… All he has done is bring flowers and buy her drinks.

This time last year she told me that I would be in her wedding. She would crawl in my bed on the weekends and talk for hours. Now we are expected to coordinate our weekend plans around her birthday. I don’t want to. In the end I know I will but at what point do you stop supporting someone. It’s a two way street right? I have heard her say (in regards to man friend) that she just has to get through this last month with us all living together.

But how sad is that? After two years of living with someone without any issues that we have to ‘get through’ the last month of living together. Our other roommate mentioned last night that it’s all triggered by jealousy. But that’s what’s worst of all.

Maybe I’m selfish. maybe im too quick to cut people off. Maybe she’ll she what she is doing. but I’m making some of the most life changing and difficult decisions that I ever will make. I’m expected to support someone who not only doesn’t give back but makes me feel like I’m inconveniencing them?

I’m a planner

In my recent state of panicking about the future I had a moment of clarity on this nasty rainy day. 

Here is what I know about myself. 

1. I am a planner. I am comforted by the thought of a plan. This is why I am stressed when there is no reason to be stressed. This is why I like ice cream. I know how ice cream will taste. This is why I like my best friends, I know how they will react when I act like an idiot. 

2. I am a wanderer. I don’t feel comfortable in one place for too long. I quickly become restless if I don’t experience something foreign every once in a while. This can come in little bits of adventure (trying a new drink or restaurant) or in big epic long journeys away from home. 

3. I love my current job because I inspire other to take advantage of their opportunities. Essentially, I tell them that traveling is AWESOME. The days I don’t like my job I sit and answer e-mails and apply for other jobs all day. I don’t want to acquire a desk butt. 

4. I like Raleigh, but I don’t love Raleigh. I have people in Raleigh but most of people are so spread out that making decisions around friend groups is totally irrelevant  Also, I’m pretty friendly in general. Not an issue, but a valid option. 

5. I’m not in crazy debt. This is not to say I have money to spend- but I am not in a place that necessitates permanence because of finances.

6. I don’t own…anything. I plan on getting rid of most of my furniture and stuff when I move out anyway because my current home looks like an episode of animal house.  

7. I don’t ever want to move back in with my parents. Chill for a couple weeks…sure but live…nien. 

8. I have to move out of my house by the end of May. 

I had lunch with my favorite cousin. He is a big kid with adorable children, a proper job, makes good money, has good connections, is resourceful, crazy fun but TOTALLY gets my sense of wander. He gets it! We talked for an hour about traveling the world by freight and going across the US by train. He has regrets about not traveling enough but also experienced ALOT when he was young. He has a very realistic perspective on life. And a healthy sense of jealousy for my current state of freedom but wouldn’t ever want to trade because of the vulnerability. What is wrong with me trying to make plans around a boy whom I barely even know? I’ve always promised myself I would never be that girl. I am an independent young woman and I want to be with someone who loves this about me. Yeah, sure I want to see him all the time. But I’m not going to move where he is now anyways-he lives in a shit hole part of NC. So, he can figure his shit out around me.

Here is in lies my issue:

I am blessed with the lack of any plan but burdened by the lack of parameters. 

Here in lies my ever changing never permanent sense of all comforting plan: 

Unless I find a job that I feel comfortable with before May…I will sell most of my belongings and leave the rest in a storage container. I will pack a few suitcases of necessities and my favorite clothes. These suitcases will hold clothing for literally every destination possible. I will then have a wonderfully introspective summer. I will spend a week or two with the parents, spend a week or two watching my cousins kids when they aren’t at camp, I will spend a week or two adventuring with Anniina, I will spend a week or two crashing on Sams couch at the beach tanning and running with her dog. I will get fit. I will be introspective. I will read. I will learn to play this guitar that has been sitting at the end of my bed. I will learn to really value the people in my life. I will continually apply for jobs. 

My ideal long term plan involves finding a job that provides me enough flexibility to have a healthy sense of wander and responsibility. Maybe after a few years of this I will take a year off to properly wander. Maybe after a period of this I will find someone I like well enough to stop wandering. Maybe I will have a family that I can raise to wander from the base of my mountains. Maybe we will be multi-ethnic jolii-pitt babies. Who flipping knows. 

but now atleast I have a plan.