sweetnc

Some things need to be remembered forever…and some not so much

The night before New Year’s Eve

It’s already been a year – unreal. Last year I was dancing in Cape Town… I haven’t even had a chance to wear that dress again. That’s still so badly where I want to be. I’m living and loving this amazing place but I still regret that I didn’t try harder to stay. I totally just got scared and caved. It wasn’t time – I knew it wasn’t time and I had nothing to come back to. What the fuck was I thinking. But here I am… Plan B which definitely isn’t bad.

This next year I won’t make resolutions. I want to make intentions. I intend to be more thoughtful and purposeful. I want to put my all into everything, all this I’ve chosen. Sure my job isn’t ideal but I need to put my all into it. If I want to be in a relationship – I need to put my all in that. (That is evidenced in this week that i could use some backup with the fam). If I want to be fit – I need to work out hard and with purpose. I need to slow down and put thought into what I do. This life is madness and I’m working hard to make it work – but I need to look for opportunities and take advantage of these I currently have.

I’ll go back south and reconnect one day. Just because I was scared and fucked it up once – it doesn’t mean I’ll do that twice.

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Christmas miracles

Today my father ate things he didn’t recognize with his hands

My parents took the bart solo and I’m in bed on Christmas at 9pm

It’s been the fastest year ever and I’m only more confused than I’ve ever been – last year I was sunburned and mildly depressed

I’ve had some fun with men from conflict zones – I’ve danced to top 40 and laughed about spooning with 19 year olds on their birthdays. I’ve had some serious fun these past few weeks.

I have more mixed feelings than ever about the job – overall life is good, wonderful but I still feel like I’m working to get to a place – I’m not settled yet – I’m not happy yet and I’m essentially doing an Ameri-corp placement

I wish in so many ways I had met my husband in college – I want my person… I want my thing to depend on and make decisions with. I want to plan adventures with them and make friends with them but this can’t be just anyone. This scares me so terribly. What am I doing to attract that kind of person? I’m trying my hardest to get out – be out . Work out .

I’ve been in one place six months and I’m antsy.

It all starts with too much time on Facebook – comparing others lives, travels and relationships. I want all that. I want to be loved and admired.

I have a few days to decide on New Years resolutions and New Years goals

Mixed feelings

I have so many mixed feelings a out this job – I really can’t decide if I hate it. I guess that means I don’t hate it . But I also know I don’t want to settle in life. This time last year I was just getting to Cape Town – I read through my journal. I learned so so much – I know I’m still learning but I don’t feel engaged and I don’t feel utilized. I don’t feel challenged or really appreciated.

I feel like I’m not as exciting anymore – I love that I can work out and go to yoga and have sustainable friendships and attend house parties… But I need something else. I was so sure this time last year but I couldn’t figure it out.

What if life is that way – I know what I want and I’m sure of it but maybe it’s not possible?

Last weekend was incredible. House party in tiburon mansion. Second best was the only single one / funny and sore and so exhausted afterwards. That’s exactly why I moved to California. (I think)

Decide what to be and go be it.

I feel relatively wise compared to my peers – I see them not knowing what they want out of life. Waiting for a man to make them complete. Intentionally choosing to harm themselves in relationships. All for the sake of feeling something? Or feeling nothing, I’m not sure which. I can’t pretend like I have a plan or even a direction but I have standards and I have things I want out of life. I want love, experience, culture, comfort and understanding. – joy – My mom is so interestingly adamant about telling me that I don’t need a marriage and a family to be happy. I agree – but I do want these things. Not because I think it will make my life easier, I’m actually pretty positive it will be harder. But because I’ve had a taste of love. I understand how all consuming it is and I want it again so badly. I crave it – I watch movies and hear stories and I crave it.

One friend is in love and having sex with a married man – another just is having lots of casual sex to empower herself and cover up her insatiable desire to be satisfied by a man – another is having no sex with the man she will marry and another is in a terrible relationship with a loser that won’t end. Lacks goals – they all fail to uphold the standards they had set for themselves. Why do girls always settle? Why is this normal in our culture? That the dude brings home the hottie mega winner and the girls partner just needs to be decent enough to procreate with. This is upsetting.

I see how fickle relationships can be – how people who I’ve called my friends,
Most of my friends were out of convenience. It’s all about place and timing – some have built me up and challenged me… But most haven’t. If I were to get married tomorrow, I would only ask for bridesmaids out of obligation. Not because we have anything in common at all anymore – we care because of history and that’s it. At this point I find most of my friends mind numbing and dull. I don’t want to really talk about gossip, boys, sex and clothes but I also don’t want to talk about drugs and organic food. I want to care – I want to cross that bridge and be mutually open with someone. I want to know, understand and care. I want to soak up someone’s wisdom whom I admire. But the difference from the past is that I want them to care in return. I feel like I miss him still – but it’s not him or that relationship- I miss all the feelings I had towards him.

I moved partially to get away from the mindset of needing someone else to be happy and fulfilled – the social pressure to be married. With all these visitors I’m still surrounded by it and I haven’t made any real friends. It’s tough I guess – my job definitely doesn’t help.

I don’t need a man to solve problems or create problems. I just want somebody who I like to hang out with on a semi-regular basis. Maybe even someone who has my back. Maybe eventually an emergency contact that’s not my dad.

The easiest door to open is often the hardest to close

I think the “have you found a church yet” discussion won’t ever stop – the same way having a tattoo will be earth shatteringly disappointing

Dosas and mimosas

It feels like freshman year again – where I’m uncomfortable simply because it’s unknown.

I know that’s not the life I want at 30 – I don’t feel like I’m missing out but I know I could make friends if I know more about drugs. This is where the private school education did me dirty. I don’t have much in common with these kids.

I’ve spent time with a lot of different people from different backgrounds and I need to remember this isn’t a universal commonality. I’m not the only one who would feel this way.

Eric’s leaving and as much as I love him – I’m a little glad. There’s a lot of things coming in and out of this house that even though in don’t disagree with… I’m not really comfortable with.

Woe is the roommate search

Well – it’s a girl

Neither were all that exciting – she may have gingivitis and he was a little too suave

Neither had questions… But I had to make the call. I spent more time with my current roommates than ever before hashing out the pros and cons endlessly. It made me rashy and I just had to go to bed. There was no wrong answer – there was no really right answer. In the end we never heard back from the landlord so it came down to the dog. I’m also genuinely pleased to see the amount of care and empathy the others had – I’m not in this alone. We are very very very different people but we all truly want the best for one another.

#grateful

But the phone call to Garett was one of the worst calls I’ve ever made. He made me feel so guilty – I almost cried on the phone. Who am I? I didn’t mean to provide false information about the dog… I definitely didn’t dislike him. I also can’t feel guilty for his reaction or his decision to bank it all on our house – he has family here… He’s not alone.

As hard as all this was and as stressful as it’s been over the past two days – I think this is for the best. Even for lack of gender balance…and lack of sweet dog.

The gorge

Sometimes I like America – with our abundance of breakfast burritos, god awful shows and mixed patterns. Camo and carharts…Sometimes I appreciate a friendly face at 5am.

This blessed chaos – hot and cold, windy and dry, liberal and so backwoods. I don’t identify with a lot of it but I’m so comfortable in it.

I can brush it off as silliness and cultural aptitude, but will we ever adjust. Will middle America always remain? Will I always have such little patience with it? How will I have a family in this environment and how will I teach them not ask stupid questions.

What if they find this?

Today I drove from Corvallis to Pullman…I listed to a murder case during the drive. They broke down the evidence and one of the main pieces used was the young girls diary. What if that happened to me? I would literally be screwed. I want a personal record to look back on – but my parents never need to know. I’m not a bad kid – but I’m surely not the kid they think I am all the time. This poor girl sounded like such an idiot too…idealistic…in love…stupid.

I love Portland as much as everyone else does. I bonded with my hairdresser, spent too much money on tax-less items, partied in the rain until I got sick, ate enough delicious food to take away at least a months worth of running and networked my ass off.

I needed out of the office so badly it was palpable. Tonight I gave a horrific presentation to a group of deaf people who expected me knot know how to work video-conference software. In all the fluster I locked my zip-drive in the room before the second presentation. Wooosh – it all ended fine but it is damn lucky that I am good on my feet.

I’m in Danas stomping grounds 🙂 – the past two nights were spent with five cats and a lesbian and I couldn’t be happier in a hotel. I’m going to sleep so naked tonight.

At the conference I felt confirmed that this is the field I need to be in and the people I need to be around – I felt loved and inspired and connected. I was exhausted and impressed with everyones ability to have fun…but more importantly I felt like I could really play with the big guys. I had experiences to share and case studies to compare. I sounded impressive and I spoke to a lot of people much more important than me.

My very valid concern is that we don’t have the marketing budget for much of this – I need to be on the road all the time…but Im not sure this is realistic. This has endlessly confirmed that I have GOT to get out of that office. I have GOT to get away from Max.

We played with Dana’s Megan – laughed at the Portland stereotypes, went to a western shoot-em-up show, cuban music, indian food, street carts, southern food, shopping, chinese gardens, saturday markets, family hikes, donuts….so much good stuff.

The past month has been incredible-spendy and tiring…luckily it doesn’t look like its going to slow down anytime soon!

I’m not quite living my nightmare but it’s close

There are perks or the promise of perks… I signed up for this I have to keep reminding myself. All for the opportunity to live out here and be out here. I am… I’m doing it. But in also need to remind myself there’s nothing keeping me here.

I’m not giving up if I go home.

It’s awesome that they may send me to the Caribbean but this day to day thing is what I can’t handle.

The other office gets 28 days of vacation and I’m locked to this box with a boy I can’t stand. This isn’t me. This isn’t what I’m passionate about even if the cause is good and most of the people are good. It’s the ones directly around me I can’t stand. They aren’t here – they don’t see.

I shouldn’t be miserable half the time in order to be happy half. Life’s too short and I shouldn’t be distrusted because of other people’s past mistakes.

I flip flop so often. Sometimes I’m ok with this and maybe this trip to Portland will relieve some of this. Maybe not – maybe I look for new jobs…

Maybe I get none of the perceived benefits. Maybe it’s not about me – and I know it’s not the worst ever. It can always be worse. But why not atleast be satisfied?

The worst part – I’m not sure there is a remedy. It’s like she is making me put my time in because she had to- but she doesn’t know that I already have. I wouldn’t have put up with the same shit she has. max doesn’t know either way and the bland fuck is just happy to be employed.

I’m looking at the big picture. Does this make me happy? No. Do I believe in what I’m doing? Maybe. Do I like who I work with? No. Do I feel inspired? No. Do I travel? Negotiable. Do I have freedom? No. Am I trusted? No. Do I get to do most things how I want? Yes. Perk sometimes twice a year I go to the zoo.

I need to resign myself to the fact that I applied for an entry level position and I am to be treated like an entry level employee. Although because of my experience, degree and connections I feel entitled to much more. This is true. I’m sure she resents me for feeling entitled and know that I could fuck shit up- but it’s days like today where I’m almost willing to.

Get me out of here – if there’s not a carribean trip planned by December- I will be actively looking for new employment.

Life’s way to short for ten days vacation. Fuck. Unless you would voluntarily do work as your vacation.

Fun – tober

This month isn’t even over and it’s been expensive and exhausting and fulfilling.

I finally feel like I’m starting to maybe have friends here but also finally having people visit has allowed me to show off a place I’m learning to love as one of my own. I have had the full range of emotions of fully learning to hate my co-worker and job to enjoying it- planning trips and going to zoos.

Dana was beautifully independent and the giggles were exactly what my soul needed. Yosemite was a dream- Eric was hilariously hungover. Fashion week – constant eating – cream and dim sum – missed ferries to sausalito, helping homeless and Burmese

Katherine was difficult, unpredictable Katherine. Surprisingly less independent than I anticipated and more demanding – highlighted by an incredible evening of goldfish and new friends. South African men with jumpers around their waists and the fastest uber ride of all time. I’m not sure how much fun she really had because she shows no emotion. Im actually glad she’s not seriously thinking about moving here – she is loyal and responsible but not my responsibility or something I always want to be associated with. Almost got attacked by a homeless dude in china town. Real life.

Loz and Matt!!! Trampled by turtles –
Boxes of bacons in ubers – chicken and waffles – bears- rain in tahoe and sisterly love. Fuck I love that girl like a sister I never had.

I’ve gained weight and experience –

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